Today was such a beautiful day... I heard my oldest daughter sing, 'Amazing Grace' with such an amazing anointing. I heard my husband pray with that same beautiful anointing. I marveled at my three, beautiful girls and how they've matured into such wonderfully caring, compassionate and incredible young ladies who live for and love the Lord in a way I could only imagine at that age.
Today was gorgeous... until I watched my brother's urn go into the hole my husband dug.
Today was nearly perfect... until I watched my aging, grieving father pick up the shovel to begin to fill in the hole after the urn was placed. That broke my heart. I cannot begin to imagine how he is feeling, having to bury his child.
I stood under the only tree in the middle of the cemetary and tried to take in each moment of how this day felt. Yes, perfect in so many ways, but so heart-breaking at the same time.
At one point, I remember thinking how glad I was that this was now over and I can get on with life, but then I realized I've not even begun to grieve. And there is much to grieve. While I can't go into all the details, just trust me when I tell you that there is much to grieve.
I have regrets and I don't like that.
There is nothing I can do about it now and I don't like that.
I thought I'd have more time with him. I don't and I don't like that.
My heart is broken.
He was my only sibling. It's now just my dad and I.
His memory weighs heavy on my mind and in my heart.
I will forever remember everything about this day and what brought us together. I will forever remember you, NDR, and all the good times.
I will not put off until tomorrow what I know I need to do today anymore, because of you and that, I like.
Your life did have meaning. Whether you realize it or not, I am changed because of you and that, I like.
As I take each day and face each challenge, I do it knowing I already have more than enough on the inside to get me through the coming days ahead. And that, I like.
S.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Catching My Breath
The last couple of weeks have had me reeling, as I have received news of my older brother's passing, planning his funeral, dealing with family and friend issues and just trying to make sure everyone, in general, is happy. Tomorrow, we will have a private family burial and that will be it. That. Will. Be. It.
This, once again, has been a huge wake-up call to me. Especially since he died of a heart attack. No prior warning symptoms. He just collapsed and died. The toxicology report won't be in for a while, but my guess is that it was what they call the 'Widow Maker.' He was 48 years old.
I'm not quite sure how to feel about it all. Losing a sibling is like losing a part of yourself, no matter how old you are. We buried our mother about four years ago and I can tell you that from my perspective, this is very different for some reason. I am sad and I am going to allow myself to have some down time... I don't plan to stay in this place emotionally, but I am planning to do some reflecting on my life, my dreams, my hopes, goals and then get to work at making them happen. Right now, I just need to catch my breath and think about my brother, my grieving dad and try to make some sense of it all.
Again... as if I haven't stressed this point enough throughout this blog 'o mine... LIVE YOUR LIFE. What are you waiting on? We are not promised tomorrow. We aren't even promised our next breath. You only get one chance to get it right. Treat others (especially those closest to you) as you would want to be treated. Reach out to those who are in need or hurting and go above and beyond to be of service. Quit focusing on the bad things in life... try turning that around and look for the good. Live a life of gratitude, even (and especially) in the bad times. Random acts of kindness (especially for a stranger) can go a long way and make a huge difference in someone's day.
Remember: Now is the time. The time is now. You will never get this moment back.
Go out and be the change you want to see made in this world.
S.
This, once again, has been a huge wake-up call to me. Especially since he died of a heart attack. No prior warning symptoms. He just collapsed and died. The toxicology report won't be in for a while, but my guess is that it was what they call the 'Widow Maker.' He was 48 years old.
I'm not quite sure how to feel about it all. Losing a sibling is like losing a part of yourself, no matter how old you are. We buried our mother about four years ago and I can tell you that from my perspective, this is very different for some reason. I am sad and I am going to allow myself to have some down time... I don't plan to stay in this place emotionally, but I am planning to do some reflecting on my life, my dreams, my hopes, goals and then get to work at making them happen. Right now, I just need to catch my breath and think about my brother, my grieving dad and try to make some sense of it all.
Again... as if I haven't stressed this point enough throughout this blog 'o mine... LIVE YOUR LIFE. What are you waiting on? We are not promised tomorrow. We aren't even promised our next breath. You only get one chance to get it right. Treat others (especially those closest to you) as you would want to be treated. Reach out to those who are in need or hurting and go above and beyond to be of service. Quit focusing on the bad things in life... try turning that around and look for the good. Live a life of gratitude, even (and especially) in the bad times. Random acts of kindness (especially for a stranger) can go a long way and make a huge difference in someone's day.
Remember: Now is the time. The time is now. You will never get this moment back.
Go out and be the change you want to see made in this world.
S.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Happy Heart Month #2
September 10 marked the two year anniversary of my Quadruple Bypass. When I look back over those two years, I'd love to be able to say that I've come so far, but in all honesty, some days I wonder. I wonder why it had to me and seemingly continues to be me with various issues related to my heart. I wonder why it happened in the first place. I wonder why it took such a drastic event to make me realize my life was passing me by at an alarming rate. Whatever the reason, it's done and this is where I'm at in life. Not exactly a fun place, but it is what it is... for now. I also wonder what a Wendy's Cheeseburger would taste like now. Oh, and maybe a little celebration cupcake... I do so love me some cupcake!
I'm not sure what the future holds, but if I spent my days totally absorbed in those thoughts, letting my mind go 'there', who knows where I'd be. Most likely, not in a good place! Maybe it has something to do with that second year when so often they (who are 'they', anyway) say there's just something about the second year being more of a year of reflection. I can say that there may be some truth in that... at least in my case. I've made some decisions in and for my life that have enabled me to overcome several fears that have plagued me all my life and I've done each one without regret. The only regret I have is that I didn't do them sooner, while in better health.
I've learned it's vitally important to love extravagantly and radically. You never know when you'll take your last breath on this earth and you don't want anyone left wondering what they meant to you.
I've learned the importance of letting new people into my little circle of friends. You never know how those new lives can enhance yours and challenge you to do/be better in many ways.
I've learned to let go of the junk that really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. Being able to forgive and move on is an amazingly freeing experience.
I've learned to appreciate the little things in life.
I've learned that it's not what or how much you have that brings true happiness. It can all be taken away in the blink of an eye.
I've learned that it's important to bring only encouragement and words of peace to those around me. I know too many people who never have anything good to say about anyone or anything and it's not a very attractive quality to have. As a matter of fact, I'm considering taking a hiatus from Facebook for this very reason. We'll see...
There are so many things I've learned over the last two years, but probably one of the things that sticks out in my head the most is that time is short... you just never know. Live, love and laugh... my daughter gave me a bracelet that says these things and it's my absolute favorite. I wear it just about everyday to remind me to do just what it says. If you're not doing it, try it. I highly recommend it!
If you want a change in your life, go out and do something toward being the change you want to see made!
S.
I'm not sure what the future holds, but if I spent my days totally absorbed in those thoughts, letting my mind go 'there', who knows where I'd be. Most likely, not in a good place! Maybe it has something to do with that second year when so often they (who are 'they', anyway) say there's just something about the second year being more of a year of reflection. I can say that there may be some truth in that... at least in my case. I've made some decisions in and for my life that have enabled me to overcome several fears that have plagued me all my life and I've done each one without regret. The only regret I have is that I didn't do them sooner, while in better health.
I've learned it's vitally important to love extravagantly and radically. You never know when you'll take your last breath on this earth and you don't want anyone left wondering what they meant to you.
I've learned the importance of letting new people into my little circle of friends. You never know how those new lives can enhance yours and challenge you to do/be better in many ways.
I've learned to let go of the junk that really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. Being able to forgive and move on is an amazingly freeing experience.
I've learned to appreciate the little things in life.
I've learned that it's not what or how much you have that brings true happiness. It can all be taken away in the blink of an eye.
I've learned that it's important to bring only encouragement and words of peace to those around me. I know too many people who never have anything good to say about anyone or anything and it's not a very attractive quality to have. As a matter of fact, I'm considering taking a hiatus from Facebook for this very reason. We'll see...
There are so many things I've learned over the last two years, but probably one of the things that sticks out in my head the most is that time is short... you just never know. Live, love and laugh... my daughter gave me a bracelet that says these things and it's my absolute favorite. I wear it just about everyday to remind me to do just what it says. If you're not doing it, try it. I highly recommend it!
If you want a change in your life, go out and do something toward being the change you want to see made!
S.
Friday, September 16, 2011
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Battle Scars
I often write about the frustrations, limitations and adaptations I am walking through right now due to health issues. "It sucks" frequently follows those words... sorry, but it just does.
First of all there are the physical scars... the main one running down the middle of my chest. I will never forget the first time I got up the courage to look at it in the mirror while still in the hospital. When I think back on that day, my stomach still knots up. This one took me a while to get past and I will admit there are days when it's at the forefront of my mind. Although, there are the other days when I really couldn't care less what anyone thinks... don't stare and try to pretend it's not there. Ask me about it if you want to know! As a matter of fact, a couple of months after I had surgery, I went to the grocery store without covering it and a young man happened to see it so he asked me about it. He then proceeded to tell me about his sister's open heart surgery. He was awesome! We ended up having the nicest visit. Wish everyone could be as comfortable with it as he was.
I've often thought about (and even checked into) reconstructive surgery, but then decided it probably wouldn't be worth it since trying to get it back to BS (before surgery) isn't realistic. Also, I can't count the number of people who have said, "Oh, don't you dare touch that scar... those are your battle scars, your testimony." Easy for them to say, but I know that, in a way, there is some truth in that statement. I have been through somewhat of a battle over the last few years. Unfortunately that battle still rages from time to time and guess what... it SUCKS!
In all honesty, I would rather not have these scars. I would love to live a life of never having to worry about exposing too much for fear that it might make some uneasy. Somedays I get tired of these scars dictating how my life will go. The constant reminder that I'm not the same and will never be the same as before. Somedays I know that's a good thing. Other days, it SUCKS! I guess you could say this is where the emotional part comes in to mess with my mind and I think I've figured out why... I believe it's all because this happened to me at such a young age and in all this chaos, nearly dying didn't help matters. Something about this whole season of my life has caused me to change many things about the way I now live my life. For the most part, I realize the importance of getting out of my comfort zone and experiencing new things and places. Some days it's easier than others. Those harder days are usually spent wondering how and why it is that I survived only to feel as though my quality of life has diminished in such a way that it's not only affected me, but those most important to me. I look for ways to keep my mind distracted, because I dread the day I come face to face with it and have to confront it head on. It won't be pretty.
As I press on in this race, hard as it is sometimes, I know that it's vitally important to be thankful in and for all things. I'd be lying if I said that wasn't a challenging area for me on those hard days. I'm human and I can only take so much while still maintaining my composure.
When I started this blog, I knew the one thing I had to convey was complete honesty as I wrote about the ups and downs of recovering after a heart attack/surgery. Well, here 'tis... the truth about how I see my scars. Is there a right or wrong way to view them? Who knows? We're all different and choose to deal with the issues of life in various ways. However, if you happen to figure it out, would you please let me know? I'd be forever grateful!
S.
First of all there are the physical scars... the main one running down the middle of my chest. I will never forget the first time I got up the courage to look at it in the mirror while still in the hospital. When I think back on that day, my stomach still knots up. This one took me a while to get past and I will admit there are days when it's at the forefront of my mind. Although, there are the other days when I really couldn't care less what anyone thinks... don't stare and try to pretend it's not there. Ask me about it if you want to know! As a matter of fact, a couple of months after I had surgery, I went to the grocery store without covering it and a young man happened to see it so he asked me about it. He then proceeded to tell me about his sister's open heart surgery. He was awesome! We ended up having the nicest visit. Wish everyone could be as comfortable with it as he was.
I've often thought about (and even checked into) reconstructive surgery, but then decided it probably wouldn't be worth it since trying to get it back to BS (before surgery) isn't realistic. Also, I can't count the number of people who have said, "Oh, don't you dare touch that scar... those are your battle scars, your testimony." Easy for them to say, but I know that, in a way, there is some truth in that statement. I have been through somewhat of a battle over the last few years. Unfortunately that battle still rages from time to time and guess what... it SUCKS!
In all honesty, I would rather not have these scars. I would love to live a life of never having to worry about exposing too much for fear that it might make some uneasy. Somedays I get tired of these scars dictating how my life will go. The constant reminder that I'm not the same and will never be the same as before. Somedays I know that's a good thing. Other days, it SUCKS! I guess you could say this is where the emotional part comes in to mess with my mind and I think I've figured out why... I believe it's all because this happened to me at such a young age and in all this chaos, nearly dying didn't help matters. Something about this whole season of my life has caused me to change many things about the way I now live my life. For the most part, I realize the importance of getting out of my comfort zone and experiencing new things and places. Some days it's easier than others. Those harder days are usually spent wondering how and why it is that I survived only to feel as though my quality of life has diminished in such a way that it's not only affected me, but those most important to me. I look for ways to keep my mind distracted, because I dread the day I come face to face with it and have to confront it head on. It won't be pretty.
As I press on in this race, hard as it is sometimes, I know that it's vitally important to be thankful in and for all things. I'd be lying if I said that wasn't a challenging area for me on those hard days. I'm human and I can only take so much while still maintaining my composure.
When I started this blog, I knew the one thing I had to convey was complete honesty as I wrote about the ups and downs of recovering after a heart attack/surgery. Well, here 'tis... the truth about how I see my scars. Is there a right or wrong way to view them? Who knows? We're all different and choose to deal with the issues of life in various ways. However, if you happen to figure it out, would you please let me know? I'd be forever grateful!
S.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Times Like These
Tonite, as I sit here writing this, I am having trouble breathing, my chest feels funny, my throat has been hurting like crazy and it feels like fluid is beginning to build up. It's in times like these the situation really sucks because I'm not sure whether or not to go to the ER or just wait it out. And I was having such a good day up until a few hours ago... frustration, yet, again.
Earlier today, I did a little computer work, met my best friend for lunch, ran with her to Wal Mart and then ran a few errands for her. Once done, I went back to her workplace to help set up for a party. Other than a slight head and neck ache, I felt pretty good. Now, this. What's up with the downturn all of a sudden?
According to the statistics, chances of my having another heart attack is larger than if I'd never had one to begin with. And, according to statistics, my survival rate isn't that great if I were to have one due to the amount of damage already done to my heart from the first go-round. I know that the truth and the facts are two very different things, but until you've walked in my shoes, you really haven't a clue as to this fight I'm in. Does tonite's episode affect my faith in God to get me through one way or another? No! He has very special plans for me and my life and they don't include sickness, pain or suffering. I wish I had an answer for why we go through the things we do, but the truth of the matter is that it really doesn't matter... at least not to me. It is what it is and God is who He is.
For now, that's all I'm able to write. Looks like I'll be sleeping in a sitting position tonite in order to breathe a little easier, which isn't a big deal. It's actually something I've, unfortunately, gotten used too.
One day, hopefully soon, I will no longer be walking this road and it is well with my soul.
S.
Earlier today, I did a little computer work, met my best friend for lunch, ran with her to Wal Mart and then ran a few errands for her. Once done, I went back to her workplace to help set up for a party. Other than a slight head and neck ache, I felt pretty good. Now, this. What's up with the downturn all of a sudden?
According to the statistics, chances of my having another heart attack is larger than if I'd never had one to begin with. And, according to statistics, my survival rate isn't that great if I were to have one due to the amount of damage already done to my heart from the first go-round. I know that the truth and the facts are two very different things, but until you've walked in my shoes, you really haven't a clue as to this fight I'm in. Does tonite's episode affect my faith in God to get me through one way or another? No! He has very special plans for me and my life and they don't include sickness, pain or suffering. I wish I had an answer for why we go through the things we do, but the truth of the matter is that it really doesn't matter... at least not to me. It is what it is and God is who He is.
For now, that's all I'm able to write. Looks like I'll be sleeping in a sitting position tonite in order to breathe a little easier, which isn't a big deal. It's actually something I've, unfortunately, gotten used too.
One day, hopefully soon, I will no longer be walking this road and it is well with my soul.
S.
Friday, August 5, 2011
Grand Number Four
Throughout the summer, we've tried to take one grandchild at a time and spend a few days with just that one, doing fun things, giving special attention and just trying to give their mom somewhat of a break here and there. Recently, we had the pleasure of having 'Grand Number Four' here with us for a couple of days.
GNF is the fourth of five children. GNF is probably the toughest of all five, with good reason. GNF is as sweet and loving as she can be, but just don't get on her bad side or in the line of fire as she tends to throw things and has great aim! At the age of almost two, this little one has mastered the art of the female mood swing and I couldn't be prouder!
Along with the other four, this baby has brought out things in me I didn't even know were there. Things I wish I'd exhibited with my own three when they were little. Patience, for one. The gift of one-on-one time, for another. Just observing their behaviors and taking in each moment and accomplishment as it came. It's funny the things we'll do for this next generation that we wouldn't dare think of doing with our own... giving them unlimited amounts of sweets then sending them home. Holding them all night long as they sleep because you know that they'll be wide awake as soon as you put them down. Laughing uncontrollably as they entertain us with bodily functions. Snickering as they 'show the love' with that middle finger (still not sure where that one came from) or the many other, unmentionable things that come out of their mouths. Although, I have to admit that when I compare myself to my grandmother, I fall so embarrassingly short. She was the 'mother of all mothers'! She worked all night on a cleaning crew and then took care of her three grandchildren while their mother's worked during the day. There was not a meal that went by that she didn't prepare for us and whomever else showed up at meal time. She managed to head up our Girl Scout troop for years and seemed to enjoy it with everything in her. She made quilts for each of us year-round. She took the time to teach me to sew and cook. She ruled that home with an iron fist and when we got out of line, we had the honor of choosing the switch from the tree that would be used for correction. She showed us the example of faithfully reading her Bible, doing and giving for and to others, and tried to instill in us that she had better not ever catch us wearing pants to church!
I know better than to compare myself to anyone for any reason, but I'm not going to lie... it's hard sometimes. It makes me angry that I have to cut my time short with GNF because I'm not feeling well. It makes me angry that it's difficult to function in this heat and humidity. It makes me angry that even the pool water is too warm to swim in... what's that about???
My grandmother lived a long life of service to the Lord and in that, she lived to give. When I think about the example I'm setting for my grandchildren... ouch. There's not much comparison and today it makes me sad. Tomorrow, I pray I will have a better attitude and can start again. When I close my eyes and see those litte faces in my mind, that's the extra boost I seem to need to keep pressing on. They are more than worth it!
S.
GNF is the fourth of five children. GNF is probably the toughest of all five, with good reason. GNF is as sweet and loving as she can be, but just don't get on her bad side or in the line of fire as she tends to throw things and has great aim! At the age of almost two, this little one has mastered the art of the female mood swing and I couldn't be prouder!
Along with the other four, this baby has brought out things in me I didn't even know were there. Things I wish I'd exhibited with my own three when they were little. Patience, for one. The gift of one-on-one time, for another. Just observing their behaviors and taking in each moment and accomplishment as it came. It's funny the things we'll do for this next generation that we wouldn't dare think of doing with our own... giving them unlimited amounts of sweets then sending them home. Holding them all night long as they sleep because you know that they'll be wide awake as soon as you put them down. Laughing uncontrollably as they entertain us with bodily functions. Snickering as they 'show the love' with that middle finger (still not sure where that one came from) or the many other, unmentionable things that come out of their mouths. Although, I have to admit that when I compare myself to my grandmother, I fall so embarrassingly short. She was the 'mother of all mothers'! She worked all night on a cleaning crew and then took care of her three grandchildren while their mother's worked during the day. There was not a meal that went by that she didn't prepare for us and whomever else showed up at meal time. She managed to head up our Girl Scout troop for years and seemed to enjoy it with everything in her. She made quilts for each of us year-round. She took the time to teach me to sew and cook. She ruled that home with an iron fist and when we got out of line, we had the honor of choosing the switch from the tree that would be used for correction. She showed us the example of faithfully reading her Bible, doing and giving for and to others, and tried to instill in us that she had better not ever catch us wearing pants to church!
I know better than to compare myself to anyone for any reason, but I'm not going to lie... it's hard sometimes. It makes me angry that I have to cut my time short with GNF because I'm not feeling well. It makes me angry that it's difficult to function in this heat and humidity. It makes me angry that even the pool water is too warm to swim in... what's that about???
My grandmother lived a long life of service to the Lord and in that, she lived to give. When I think about the example I'm setting for my grandchildren... ouch. There's not much comparison and today it makes me sad. Tomorrow, I pray I will have a better attitude and can start again. When I close my eyes and see those litte faces in my mind, that's the extra boost I seem to need to keep pressing on. They are more than worth it!
S.