Today was such a beautiful day... I heard my oldest daughter sing, 'Amazing Grace' with such an amazing anointing. I heard my husband pray with that same beautiful anointing. I marveled at my three, beautiful girls and how they've matured into such wonderfully caring, compassionate and incredible young ladies who live for and love the Lord in a way I could only imagine at that age.
Today was gorgeous... until I watched my brother's urn go into the hole my husband dug.
Today was nearly perfect... until I watched my aging, grieving father pick up the shovel to begin to fill in the hole after the urn was placed. That broke my heart. I cannot begin to imagine how he is feeling, having to bury his child.
I stood under the only tree in the middle of the cemetary and tried to take in each moment of how this day felt. Yes, perfect in so many ways, but so heart-breaking at the same time.
At one point, I remember thinking how glad I was that this was now over and I can get on with life, but then I realized I've not even begun to grieve. And there is much to grieve. While I can't go into all the details, just trust me when I tell you that there is much to grieve.
I have regrets and I don't like that.
There is nothing I can do about it now and I don't like that.
I thought I'd have more time with him. I don't and I don't like that.
My heart is broken.
He was my only sibling. It's now just my dad and I.
His memory weighs heavy on my mind and in my heart.
I will forever remember everything about this day and what brought us together. I will forever remember you, NDR, and all the good times.
I will not put off until tomorrow what I know I need to do today anymore, because of you and that, I like.
Your life did have meaning. Whether you realize it or not, I am changed because of you and that, I like.
As I take each day and face each challenge, I do it knowing I already have more than enough on the inside to get me through the coming days ahead. And that, I like.
S.
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