Moving On

July 2016.  Another year half over.  How is that possible?

I wish I could say I've taken my own advice by living life to the fullest, loving extravagantly and taking things head on, but to be honest, I haven't been that strong through the divorce proceedings, which took nearly 2 1/2 years.  To say it's been one of the hardest times of my life is an understatement.  It truly is like grieving a death.  Again.

I've seen two Therapists and both made a point of telling me that I would get to the other side of this agony and find life.  It's taken time and some very supportive friends, but I think I can now feel some relief.  Most days.

Other days, like just last week, when the final decree, signed by the judge, came in the mail was tough.  I found myself staring at it for the longest time, however, it was strange as I wasn't really reading it.  I was looking at the piece of paper, but thinking back on all the memories made over the last 34 years before I realized it.  It's still sitting on the counter in the kitchen where I left it. 

I'm still stunned as to how this happened.  I need to heal emotionally and now that it's over, my plan is to move closer to extended family in Arizona by the end of the year.  Whether I stay for the rest of my life or just a few years, I don't know.  One thing I do know is that it's time to find ME again... or the NEW version of ME since everything I once knew is gone now.

I feel the need to honest and real so I'll admit that I've dealt with some very dark things and thoughts that I've acted on.  I'm not proud of those times and how I've reacted, but am thankful some very important people in my life intervened when they did.

I have to find a way to cope and move on with my life.  Nobody said it was going to be easy and I'm here to tell you that no truer words were ever spoken.

As for my health... it's so hot and humid out, you can usually find me inside.  The heat is one thing, but it's the humidity that gets me.  Again, frustration sets in because it's hard to get out and do things like a normal person.  I'm looking so forward to the Fall and Winter!

I've not been taking care of myself like I once did.  I've fallen off the wagon in a big way and I know I'd better get it together before it's too late.  Again, I need time.  I'm hoping by getting back to writing here, I can begin to get some clarity on life and where I'm headed.

I recently celebrated the 7th Anniversary of the heart attack.  I still wonder how I survived it, but am very thankful I did and am still here to continue to tell my story and hold my girls and their families close while I can.  Something we should all be doing, regardless of the circumstances in our lives.

Thanks to those of you that have hung in there with me through it all!  You are more appreciated than you know.