First of all there are the physical scars... the main one running down the middle of my chest. I will never forget the first time I got up the courage to look at it in the mirror while still in the hospital. When I think back on that day, my stomach still knots up. This one took me a while to get past and I will admit there are days when it's at the forefront of my mind. Although, there are the other days when I really couldn't care less what anyone thinks... don't stare and try to pretend it's not there. Ask me about it if you want to know! As a matter of fact, a couple of months after I had surgery, I went to the grocery store without covering it and a young man happened to see it so he asked me about it. He then proceeded to tell me about his sister's open heart surgery. He was awesome! We ended up having the nicest visit. Wish everyone could be as comfortable with it as he was.
I've often thought about (and even checked into) reconstructive surgery, but then decided it probably wouldn't be worth it since trying to get it back to BS (before surgery) isn't realistic. Also, I can't count the number of people who have said, "Oh, don't you dare touch that scar... those are your battle scars, your testimony." Easy for them to say, but I know that, in a way, there is some truth in that statement. I have been through somewhat of a battle over the last few years. Unfortunately that battle still rages from time to time and guess what... it SUCKS!
In all honesty, I would rather not have these scars. I would love to live a life of never having to worry about exposing too much for fear that it might make some uneasy. Somedays I get tired of these scars dictating how my life will go. The constant reminder that I'm not the same and will never be the same as before. Somedays I know that's a good thing. Other days, it SUCKS! I guess you could say this is where the emotional part comes in to mess with my mind and I think I've figured out why... I believe it's all because this happened to me at such a young age and in all this chaos, nearly dying didn't help matters. Something about this whole season of my life has caused me to change many things about the way I now live my life. For the most part, I realize the importance of getting out of my comfort zone and experiencing new things and places. Some days it's easier than others. Those harder days are usually spent wondering how and why it is that I survived only to feel as though my quality of life has diminished in such a way that it's not only affected me, but those most important to me. I look for ways to keep my mind distracted, because I dread the day I come face to face with it and have to confront it head on. It won't be pretty.
As I press on in this race, hard as it is sometimes, I know that it's vitally important to be thankful in and for all things. I'd be lying if I said that wasn't a challenging area for me on those hard days. I'm human and I can only take so much while still maintaining my composure.
When I started this blog, I knew the one thing I had to convey was complete honesty as I wrote about the ups and downs of recovering after a heart attack/surgery. Well, here 'tis... the truth about how I see my scars. Is there a right or wrong way to view them? Who knows? We're all different and choose to deal with the issues of life in various ways. However, if you happen to figure it out, would you please let me know? I'd be forever grateful!
S.
