Battle Scars

I often write about the frustrations, limitations and adaptations I am walking through right now due to health issues.  "It sucks" frequently follows those words... sorry, but it just does.

First of all there are the physical scars... the main one running down the middle of my chest.  I will never forget the first time I got up the courage to look at it in the mirror while still in the hospital.  When I think back on that day, my stomach still knots up.  This one took me a while to get past and I will admit there are days when it's at the forefront of my mind.  Although, there are the other days when I really couldn't care less what anyone thinks... don't stare and try to pretend it's not there.  Ask me about it if you want to know!  As a matter of fact, a couple of months after I had surgery, I went to the grocery store without covering it and a young man happened to see it so he asked me about it.  He then proceeded to tell me about his sister's open heart surgery.  He was awesome!  We ended up having the nicest visit.  Wish everyone could be as comfortable with it as he was.

I've often thought about (and even checked into) reconstructive surgery, but then decided it probably wouldn't be worth it since trying to get it back to BS (before surgery) isn't realistic.  Also, I can't count the number of people who have said, "Oh, don't you dare touch that scar... those are your battle scars, your testimony."  Easy for them to say, but I know that, in a way, there is some truth in that statement.  I have been through somewhat of a battle over the last few years.  Unfortunately that battle still rages from time to time and guess what... it SUCKS!

In all honesty, I would rather not have these scars.  I would love to live a life of never having to worry about exposing too much for fear that it might make some uneasy.  Somedays I get tired of these scars dictating how my life will go.  The constant reminder that I'm not the same and will never be the same as before.  Somedays I know that's a good thing.  Other days, it SUCKS!  I guess you could say this is where the emotional part comes in to mess with my mind and I think I've figured out why... I believe it's all because this happened to me at such a young age and in all this chaos, nearly dying didn't help matters.  Something about this whole season of my life has caused me to change many things about the way I now live my life.  For the most part, I realize the importance of getting out of my comfort zone and experiencing new things and places.  Some days it's easier than others.  Those harder days are usually spent wondering how and why it is that I survived only to feel as though my quality of life has diminished in such a way that it's not only affected me, but those most important to me.  I look for ways to keep my mind distracted, because I dread the day I come face to face with it and have to confront it head on.  It won't be pretty.

As I press on in this race, hard as it is sometimes, I know that it's vitally important to be thankful in and for all things.  I'd be lying if I said that wasn't a challenging area for me on those hard days.  I'm human and I can only take so much while still maintaining my composure. 

When I started this blog, I knew the one thing I had to convey was complete honesty as I wrote about the ups and downs of recovering after a heart attack/surgery.  Well, here 'tis...  the truth about how I see my scars.  Is there a right or wrong way to view them?  Who knows?  We're all different and choose to deal with the issues of life in various ways.  However, if you happen to figure it out, would you please let me know?  I'd be forever grateful!

     

    

S.

Times Like These

Tonite, as I sit here writing this, I am having trouble breathing, my chest feels funny, my throat has been hurting like crazy and it feels like fluid is beginning to build up.  It's in times like these the situation really sucks because I'm not sure whether or not to go to the ER or just wait it out.  And I was having such a good day up until a few hours ago... frustration, yet, again.

Earlier today, I did a little computer work, met my best friend for lunch, ran with her to Wal Mart and then ran a few errands for her.  Once done, I went back to her workplace to help set up for a party.  Other than a slight head and neck ache, I felt pretty good.  Now, this.  What's up with the downturn all of a sudden? 

According to the statistics, chances of my having another heart attack is larger than if I'd never had one to begin with.  And, according to statistics, my survival rate isn't that great if I were to have one due to the amount of damage already done to my heart from the first go-round.  I know that the truth and the facts are two very different things, but until you've walked in my shoes, you really haven't a clue as to this fight I'm in.  Does tonite's episode affect my faith in God to get me through one way or another?  No!  He has very special plans for me and my life and they don't include sickness, pain or suffering.  I wish I had an answer for why we go through the things we do, but the truth of the matter is that it really doesn't matter... at least not to me.  It is what it is and God is who He is.

For now, that's all I'm able to write.  Looks like I'll be sleeping in a sitting position tonite in order to breathe a little easier, which isn't a big deal.  It's actually something I've, unfortunately, gotten used too. 

One day, hopefully soon, I will no longer be walking this road and it is well with my soul.


S.

Grand Number Four

Throughout the summer, we've tried to take one grandchild at a time and spend a few days with just that one, doing fun things, giving special attention and just trying to give their mom somewhat of a break here and there.  Recently, we had the pleasure of having 'Grand Number Four' here with us for a couple of days.

GNF is the fourth of five children.  GNF is probably the toughest of all five, with good reason.  GNF is as sweet and loving as she can be, but just don't get on her bad side or in the line of fire as she tends to throw things and has great aim!  At the age of almost two, this little one has mastered the art of the female mood swing and I couldn't be prouder!

Along with the other four, this baby has brought out things in me I didn't even know were there.  Things I wish I'd exhibited with my own three when they were little.  Patience, for one.  The gift of one-on-one time, for another.  Just observing their behaviors and taking in each moment and accomplishment as it came.  It's funny the things we'll do for this next generation that we wouldn't dare think of doing with our own... giving them unlimited amounts of sweets then sending them home.  Holding them all night long as they sleep because you know that they'll be wide awake as soon as you put them down.  Laughing uncontrollably as they entertain us with bodily functions.  Snickering as they 'show the love' with that middle finger (still not sure where that one came from) or the many other, unmentionable things that come out of their mouths.  Although, I have to admit that when I compare myself to my grandmother, I fall so embarrassingly short.  She was the 'mother of all mothers'!  She worked all night on a cleaning crew and then took care of her three grandchildren while their mother's worked during the day.  There was not a meal that went by that she didn't prepare for us and whomever else showed up at meal time.  She managed to head up our Girl Scout troop for years and seemed to enjoy it with everything in her.  She made quilts for each of us year-round.  She took the time to teach me to sew and cook.  She ruled that home with an iron fist and when we got out of line, we had the honor of choosing the switch from the tree that would be used for correction.  She showed us the example of faithfully reading her Bible, doing and giving for and to others, and tried to instill in us that she had better not ever catch us wearing pants to church!

I know better than to compare myself to anyone for any reason, but I'm not going to lie... it's hard sometimes.  It makes me angry that I have to cut my time short with GNF because I'm not feeling well.  It makes me angry that it's difficult to function in this heat and humidity.  It makes me angry that even the pool water is too warm to swim in... what's that about???

My grandmother lived a long life of service to the Lord and in that, she lived to give.  When I think about the example I'm setting for my grandchildren... ouch.  There's not much comparison and today it makes me sad.  Tomorrow, I pray I will have a better attitude and can start again.  When I close my eyes and see those litte faces in my mind, that's the extra boost I seem to need to keep pressing on.  They are more than worth it!

S.
 

Heart Healthy Recipes

BROCCOLI PENNE

1 8 oz box Whole Wheat Penne Pasta - cooked as per instructions on box
2 cups Fresh Broccoli Heads - steamed
1 Bunch Flat Leaf Parsley - chopped
1 Tbs Garlic - chopped
18 Grape Tomatoes - cut in half
1/4 tsp Red Pepper Flakes
Dash Salt and Pepper - optional
Olive Oil - for sautee

Begin by cooking the pasta as per instructions on the box.  Steam the broccoli lightly.  Once both are done, combine and add the remaining ingredients in large skillet lightly coated with olive oil.  Stir til heated and flavors are combined.  Toss lightly and serve.

Optional:  For those who eat meat (my husband), we have found a way to incorporate this into the recipe... Marinade (Teriyaki gives a nice flavor) cut of meat of your choice.  Cut in strips.  Brown on top of stove while the above ingredients are cooking.  Once meat is done, add the finished ingredients above.

Serves 4.

  

If you try it, please let me know what you think.  Enjoy!

S.

Tennis Anyone?

I'm not quite sure what I was thinking when I agreed to get out three mornings (very early mornings, mind you) to meet up with friends to play tennis in an effort to get some exercise!  It's times like these that I'm reminded how limited I am right now and I find that very frustrating!  I know I've mentioned these emotions before, but there's just something that happens each time I have to face another physical challenge.  It's like this unrelenting brick upside the head that taunts me... like the other day when I went back up to the hospital to workout for the first time after almost a year.  I won't go into details, but it ended with me cutting my session short, heading into the locker room and having a melt down.  It was not pretty and I couldn't get out of there fast enough!

As for my attempt at tennis today... let me start by saying that I love to play tennis even though my skills leave something to be desired, I've still always enjoyed getting out there and hitting the ball back and forth.  Maybe it's the actual hitting something that I find therapeutic.  Whatever the reason, I just like it so I do what I can.

After playing (or chasing balls, I should say) for a while, I knew it was time to take a break.  I didn't want to sit down, but I've learned that when my breathing is labored, my vision is getting distorted and there is ringing in my ears, it's probably best I find some place to sit for a bit.  It was about this time that the frustration began to set in.  Even though it was early and my legs felt like lead, I was still somewhat excited to get out and, hopefully, be successful at this activity so that I can do something I actually enjoy and get some benefit from.

As I took a break, watching the others play, we noticed there were people gathering on the two courts next to us.  Trying not to be obvious and stare, I also noticed this group was mostly made up of retirees who came to play some serious tennis.  We're talking, sweeping off the court, stretching out, swatting at imaginary balls in the air, etc.  It was then that the second wave of frustration began to try to settle in over me. 

Thought #1:  "Look at them... they must have at least thirty years on you and look at the way they move so effortlessly!"  (Self-pity)

Thought #2:  "Wonder how many of them have been through what I've been through."  (Rationality)

Thought #3:  "Wish they'd quit looking over here."  (Shame)

Thought #4:  "I hope my socks and tennis shoes aren't messing up my pedicure."  (I know, random...)

Thought #5:  "Lord, please don't let any of them collapse at the same time I do, because I have a feeling they'd get taken in before me!"  (More randomness)

Thought #6:  "I have so much left to do.  I'm really not ready to die, yet."  (Delerium)     

Long story short... it wasn't a total fail, but it certainly didn't go as I had hoped.  By the time I got home, I was dragging emotionally and physically.  Once I sat down, that was it.  I was worthless for about three hours!  When I finally managed to work my way into a vertical position and start moving, I felt a surge of energy so I decided to jump on it and get some things done around the house.  Still feeling beaten, emotionally, I realized I needed to grab hold of those thoughts and begin to try and replace them with more positive and encouraging thoughts of recent accomplishments such as:

I managed to repaint my office and trim... no small task for me.
Hosted a family get-together for the in-laws.
I detailed my car in this heat... not once, but twice.
I kept my five-year-old granddaughter for three, fun-filled days.
I prepared homecooked meals each night last week... again, no small task.
Have begun the redecorating process in my bedroom.

to name a few.  I know that these things may not seem like much to some, but to me, they are huge.  Besides the physical, I'm learning to reign in the emotional when it starts to creep in and overwhelm me.  I can't say that I succeed everytime, but I do see progress in the right direction.  Hopefully, as I continue to show up for tennis, I'll see improvement in my stamina, attitude and overall fitness level over time.  Like all successful programs, it's just going to take time and my willingness to work for it.  Although I can't help but wonder, where is that easy button when I need it???


S.

Seven Hundred Thirty

730 days ago you came in and forever changed my life.



You lurked and waited for just the right time to try and take me down for good.



You nearly succeeded.



Our fight has been up and down, back and forth.



You not only affected my life, but those of the ones closest to me.



You managed to steal my joy for a while.



You managed to steal my confidence, too.



You managed to nearly break my spirit.



You caused much confusion in many areas of my life.



You led me into some very dark days and nights.




However, had it not been for you, Heart Disease and all the heartache that accompanied you, despite your intentions, I am quite certain that had I never faced such opposition, I would not know what it is to persevere and realize the gift of each new day and all the possibilties that lie therein. I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, my faith would never have been stretched to such great lengths had you not pushed me to realize who God created me to be. Had you never shown your hand, I would never have known what it means to die to my old life, my old thoughts, my old habits, my old expectations and dreams. I went down one person and have come up in all things new. For those things I am thankful. I take great joy in seeing what this new chapter of my life holds.



Today, as I celebrate the second anniversary of my new life, I'm not sure what I'll be doing or where I'll be going, but you can rest assured that I'll be lovin' every minute of it, flying by the seat of my pants, with camera in hand and without a plan or a care in the world.

'Courage'

A beautiful gift from my sister-in-law.

xo

Happy Heart Month

This is it. It's here. The month I have now officially dubbed as Heart Month. I know it's not THE official Heart Month, but it's MY Heart Month, well, one of two Heart Months, actually. The other we'll celebrate in September, but for now, next week we'll be celebrating the two year anniversary of the biggest wake up call of my life and it all revolves around my heart.

Who would have thought this tiny, little organ could make or break you. It's function is so intricately created, it's truly amazing. It can bring grown men to their knees and cause them to re-evaluate life in a way they never expected. It can take even the hardest, coldest individual and turn them into the most loving, sensitive and compassionate of human beings. It is indescribable what this little muscle in our chests can achieve. It is our bodies' source of life. Without it functioning properly, our quality of life is affected. Without it, we cannot go on.

This reminds of a time when I was just a little girl, about the age of 5 or 6, I went to the bank with my dad one day and while standing in line, waiting our turn at the teller, this young man fell to the ground and began rolling around, screaming right there in the bank lobby. My dad immediately tried to shield me from seeing him as it really was quite a frightening sight. Later, once everything had calmed down and we were on our way, I asked what had happened to that man and the response my dad gave was, "I think he was having a heart attack." This would be the very first time I'd ever hear these words. For some reason, I've never forgotten that moment in time.

Life as I know it has changed, but for the better... for the most part. I have learned that we are not promised a tomorrow so we'd better get out there and make every day count for something. I have learned that it's much easier to forgive and move on rather than rehash and hold on to past offenses. I have learned to see the good in people and have even found that loving others is coming easier with each passing day. I have learned that whatever our dreams are or have been, what better time than now to begin to work toward seeing them become a reality. I have learned to value and appreciate family and friends like never before. I have learned to smile and laugh more. And most importantly, I have learned the true meaning of making sure my heart is right with God at all times as there are no do-overs when it comes time to stand before Him. I have also learned to take joy in the fact that I have so much ahead of me. Every day is a new day and I get excited about the possibilities that each one holds. The only limits are the ones I allow.

So much has taken place since that day. I often wonder why me and why now. However, even if I was given the answer, it probably still wouldn't be enough for me. And, for now, I have to be content with that. If I spent all of my time going through all the 'what ifs' and 'if onlys', I'd never get out of bed, ever again and there is way too much life yet to be lived! If I could give anyone advice on how NOT to live (hmmmm.... nice topic for another blog in the future!) it would be this: Don't wait. The time is now and now is the time! What are you waiting for???

Happy Heart Month and Happy Fourth of July!

xoxoxo