As for my attempt at tennis today... let me start by saying that I love to play tennis even though my skills leave something to be desired, I've still always enjoyed getting out there and hitting the ball back and forth. Maybe it's the actual hitting something that I find therapeutic. Whatever the reason, I just like it so I do what I can.
After playing (or chasing balls, I should say) for a while, I knew it was time to take a break. I didn't want to sit down, but I've learned that when my breathing is labored, my vision is getting distorted and there is ringing in my ears, it's probably best I find some place to sit for a bit. It was about this time that the frustration began to set in. Even though it was early and my legs felt like lead, I was still somewhat excited to get out and, hopefully, be successful at this activity so that I can do something I actually enjoy and get some benefit from.
As I took a break, watching the others play, we noticed there were people gathering on the two courts next to us. Trying not to be obvious and stare, I also noticed this group was mostly made up of retirees who came to play some serious tennis. We're talking, sweeping off the court, stretching out, swatting at imaginary balls in the air, etc. It was then that the second wave of frustration began to try to settle in over me.
Thought #1: "Look at them... they must have at least thirty years on you and look at the way they move so effortlessly!" (Self-pity)
Thought #2: "Wonder how many of them have been through what I've been through." (Rationality)
Thought #3: "Wish they'd quit looking over here." (Shame)
Thought #4: "I hope my socks and tennis shoes aren't messing up my pedicure." (I know, random...)
Thought #5: "Lord, please don't let any of them collapse at the same time I do, because I have a feeling they'd get taken in before me!" (More randomness)
Thought #6: "I have so much left to do. I'm really not ready to die, yet." (Delerium)
Long story short... it wasn't a total fail, but it certainly didn't go as I had hoped. By the time I got home, I was dragging emotionally and physically. Once I sat down, that was it. I was worthless for about three hours! When I finally managed to work my way into a vertical position and start moving, I felt a surge of energy so I decided to jump on it and get some things done around the house. Still feeling beaten, emotionally, I realized I needed to grab hold of those thoughts and begin to try and replace them with more positive and encouraging thoughts of recent accomplishments such as:
I managed to repaint my office and trim... no small task for me.
Hosted a family get-together for the in-laws.
I detailed my car in this heat... not once, but twice.
I kept my five-year-old granddaughter for three, fun-filled days.
I prepared homecooked meals each night last week... again, no small task.
Have begun the redecorating process in my bedroom.
to name a few. I know that these things may not seem like much to some, but to me, they are huge. Besides the physical, I'm learning to reign in the emotional when it starts to creep in and overwhelm me. I can't say that I succeed everytime, but I do see progress in the right direction. Hopefully, as I continue to show up for tennis, I'll see improvement in my stamina, attitude and overall fitness level over time. Like all successful programs, it's just going to take time and my willingness to work for it. Although I can't help but wonder, where is that easy button when I need it???
S.
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