If you've been reading my little blog here for any length of time, you've figured out by now that I'm all about RANDOM ACTS OF KINDNESS in any form for any stranger. So, I've come up what I like to call 'Thoughtful Thursday'.
The mission? (I've been watching the Mission Impossible movies and can hardly wait to see the new one that's just come out)! It's easy. Go out and perform some act of kindness for a total and complete stranger, anonymously if you can swing it.
The benefits far outweigh the risks and I can guarantee that if you're having a 'down day', something miraculous happens to lift your Spirit and get your mind off of your troubles! Don't believe me? Try it and see.
So... as I get ready to head out and run a few errands, I'll be listening to that little voice inside urging me toward some act of kindness for someone out there that needs what only I have to give at this point in time.
Be kind to one another... everyone is fighting some kind of battle!
S.
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Monday, December 26, 2011
Christmas 2011: Part Two
No words needed... family is the best!
Prayers for you and your family as we gear up for a New Year ahead!
S.
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Guest Blogger
Merry Christmas, all! Oldest daughter, Jessica, here to share some Christmas memories while mom is cooking away. Is that apple pie I smell?? Or the candle she just bought yesterday? hehe Just kidding!
Let me preface this by saying we came from very humble beginnings growing up as a Buckland. For as long as I can remember, no matter what our circumstances, mom and dad went above and beyond to make the holidays just as great as they could be for us kids. Beautiful decorations, fun gifts, a great time together as a family. I'll probably never know the sacrifices they made for us.
But far beyond the gifts and the material things they provided, they made sure to instill the true reason for Christmas. Every year, we stop and read the story of Jesus' birth. I'm so thankful for the foundation of faith my parents laid from a very young age for me. No greater love has the world ever known, than when the God of the universe sent His only son to this earth, to be the sacrificial Lamb and the atonement for our sins! We heard an awesome Christmas message from mom and dad's pastor, David, this weekend. "Sinners are the reason for the season." WE are the reason Jesus left His throne in Heaven. I'm so unworthy but I'm forever grateful!
So that's my favorite thing we do at Christmas. Thanks for letting me share!! Blessings!
Jessica
Let me preface this by saying we came from very humble beginnings growing up as a Buckland. For as long as I can remember, no matter what our circumstances, mom and dad went above and beyond to make the holidays just as great as they could be for us kids. Beautiful decorations, fun gifts, a great time together as a family. I'll probably never know the sacrifices they made for us.
But far beyond the gifts and the material things they provided, they made sure to instill the true reason for Christmas. Every year, we stop and read the story of Jesus' birth. I'm so thankful for the foundation of faith my parents laid from a very young age for me. No greater love has the world ever known, than when the God of the universe sent His only son to this earth, to be the sacrificial Lamb and the atonement for our sins! We heard an awesome Christmas message from mom and dad's pastor, David, this weekend. "Sinners are the reason for the season." WE are the reason Jesus left His throne in Heaven. I'm so unworthy but I'm forever grateful!
So that's my favorite thing we do at Christmas. Thanks for letting me share!! Blessings!
Jessica
Friday, December 23, 2011
Merry Christmas
Working on Christmas cards while listening to Justin Bieber
Self-portrait
I can hardly believe it's that time of year again. I knew once September hit and I began to see all the Christmas decorations going up in the stores that time would fly by and I'd be stuck wondering how the holidays came up so fast! Like my mom used to say, "Christmas is the same time every year... you have a whole year to prepare for it!"
Around here, the decorations are up (except for the Santa cover that goes on the toilet lid my kids talked me into getting), gifts are bought and wrapped, cards have been sent out and almost all the food is ready to go. There was a time I thought I'd have a break-down trying to get it all done! Now... I feel such a load lifted and am ready to look toward a new year with so many possibilities.
Over the last few years, I've pretty much laid down my camera except for a few special occasions, not knowing if I'd ever pick it back up for work again. I'm pleased to announce that next month, I will be launching a new area of photography that has been on the back-burner for quite some time. For whatever reason, I've never felt the time has been quite right to venture out. However, what is it I always say??? Now is the time... the time is NOW! So, here we go! After the holidays are over, I will be diving in and working to get a new blog and website up and running, along with everything else that a new business entails. I'm now ready and looking forward to this new adventure! More details to come...
As for the holidays... I'm ready. I'm ready to see the grandbabies tear into their gifts, hear the screams of little Abri as she sees what's inside. Watch Lincoln as he tears through the house with his Spiderman mask and cape. Hear my youngest play her guitar for the first time in public. Smell the cakes and pies baking. Watch my daughters helping in the kitchen. And probably my favorite, besides just being together, is laughing uncontrollably at stupid stuff no one else would understand.
Does it get any better? Not for me.
Merry Christmas everyone!
S.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Hunting and Gathering
Recently, my husband went on his annual Elk Hunt in Colorado. He's quite the outdoorsman and I love it that he loves it... makes for a happy pappy when he gets to let off steam and de-stress by shooting something big. And yes, we do eat the meat. If you have never tried Elk, I highly recommend it. It's also healthier for you.
Check out a few of the pics he came back with...
Personally, I'd rather be on a beach somewhere, but looking at these pics, makes me want to head for the mountains!
S.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Is That All There Is?
Thanksgiving has come and gone. There are still a fair amount of leftovers, which means I don't have to cook for another night or two and that's a good thing since I'm exhausted from all the pre-holiday cooking that was done!
My cousin and her girls came, stayed a couple of nights and for that I am thankful. Last time I saw her was at her brother's funeral last year. I love reconnecting with my extended family. We always end up having such a great time with our late-night talks, eating too much junk and watching our kids form a bond. Probably the best part of it all is watching the interaction between them and my dad, their Uncle.
There are always lots of questions about this and that. I love hearing the stories of their upbringing, how so-and-so is related to this one or that one, etc. Nothing can compare to these precious family times and the memories that come from them.
Of course, this year was bittersweet since we just buried my brother. Lots of emotions. Lots of ups and downs, not really knowing how to deal sometimes. It's not that I don't have faith, it's just one of those situations that you can't really understand until you've walked in my shoes and now is not a time I'm ready to open up and spill my guts about it all. Yet.
What has made this year even harder is the fact that I just received a call from the Medical Examiner's Office with the toxicology report from his death. Long story short, it was definitly his heart. At the age of 48, the cause of his death was his heart. Once again, survivor's guilt tries to set in on me. Make no mistake. It's a very real thing.
After receiving a copy of the report, I headed over to share the news with my dad. It was like the wound had been ripped off all over again. His last words were something to the effect of, "Well, I guess that's all there is..."
Is that really all there is? So, now we just move on like nothing ever happened? Like his life never mattered? Doesn't all life matter? Shouldn't we strive to make sure our lives matter to someone, somehow? Shouldn't we do what we can to make a difference and touch at least one life while given the chance on this earth? If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times... we only get one chance in this life. Shouldn't we make it count for something? While there is much I'm not ready to open up about, this one thing I know for sure... my brother's life (and his passing) has made me who I am today. His life did make a difference... to me. His life and his passing has touched my life in a way no one else ever has or possibly ever could.
This gives me comfort and hope. I still have regrets I can't do anything about, so learn from me and do your best to live a regret-free life. I can only imagine what that must be like, but from this point forward, hopefully I'll be able to find out, firsthand!
As for me, this isn't all there is... it's only a fresh, new beginning.
S.
My cousin and her girls came, stayed a couple of nights and for that I am thankful. Last time I saw her was at her brother's funeral last year. I love reconnecting with my extended family. We always end up having such a great time with our late-night talks, eating too much junk and watching our kids form a bond. Probably the best part of it all is watching the interaction between them and my dad, their Uncle.
There are always lots of questions about this and that. I love hearing the stories of their upbringing, how so-and-so is related to this one or that one, etc. Nothing can compare to these precious family times and the memories that come from them.
Of course, this year was bittersweet since we just buried my brother. Lots of emotions. Lots of ups and downs, not really knowing how to deal sometimes. It's not that I don't have faith, it's just one of those situations that you can't really understand until you've walked in my shoes and now is not a time I'm ready to open up and spill my guts about it all. Yet.
What has made this year even harder is the fact that I just received a call from the Medical Examiner's Office with the toxicology report from his death. Long story short, it was definitly his heart. At the age of 48, the cause of his death was his heart. Once again, survivor's guilt tries to set in on me. Make no mistake. It's a very real thing.
After receiving a copy of the report, I headed over to share the news with my dad. It was like the wound had been ripped off all over again. His last words were something to the effect of, "Well, I guess that's all there is..."
Is that really all there is? So, now we just move on like nothing ever happened? Like his life never mattered? Doesn't all life matter? Shouldn't we strive to make sure our lives matter to someone, somehow? Shouldn't we do what we can to make a difference and touch at least one life while given the chance on this earth? If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times... we only get one chance in this life. Shouldn't we make it count for something? While there is much I'm not ready to open up about, this one thing I know for sure... my brother's life (and his passing) has made me who I am today. His life did make a difference... to me. His life and his passing has touched my life in a way no one else ever has or possibly ever could.
This gives me comfort and hope. I still have regrets I can't do anything about, so learn from me and do your best to live a regret-free life. I can only imagine what that must be like, but from this point forward, hopefully I'll be able to find out, firsthand!
As for me, this isn't all there is... it's only a fresh, new beginning.
S.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Friday, November 11, 2011
Day In The Life
 |
| Getting ready for the day. |
 |
| It's the little things... when my husband put this cattle guard together, he welded this screen on so that it would make it easier for us to maneuver while trying to lock and unlock the gate. Could it be because more than one of us in the family have been known to fall through the slats on occasion? |
 |
The view of downtown as I drive in from my house.             What a day! When I think back to the days when it was a struggle to open that gate at the cattle guard, walk around the stores or even hold up my camera to take a picture, I'm so thankful to be where I am today. These days, I don't take anything for granted. S. |
Saturday, November 5, 2011
My Girls
This pretty much sums up how I feel about my girls. Each one, in their own unique way, has had a hand in my ongoing recovery. Alongside them, my husband and grandchildren are the driving forces behind my motivation to keep going, especially when I don't feel like it.
Here's to my family. As I always tell you... YOU make my heart happy!
I am blessed far beyond what I deserve!
xo
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Getting Lost
I'm in the middle of watching a movie where this girl is lost in a foreign country and she runs into a handsome stranger who helps her find her way. At the beginning of their conversation, he says to her, "You kind of like getting lost, don't you?"
This made me stop and think.
For me, getting lost used to be a bad thing. Getting lost used to mean I was out of control of the situation. Getting lost used to mean internal panic and anxiety. Getting lost used to mean my only focus was now getting un-lost and back in familiar territory when I should have been sitting back, enjoying the scenery and taking time to stop and smell the roses along the way. Once again, it took something drastic to help me come to this conclusion.
A couple of weeks ago, on a Sunday night, my friend and I took off with our cameras to do a 'skyline night shoot' of a bigger city about an hour from here. Even though it's something I've always wanted to do, there was always a bit of apprehension due to the reputation (like all places) in some parts of this particular city.
Little did I remember with whom I was traveling... the one who has the most adventurous spirit and is afraid of nothing! Let me be clear here, it's not that I was afraid, I like to think of it as being more on the cautious side when in unfamiliar territory. Especially at night. Where there are bars and people who've been drinking are around. I'm not afraid. Just cautious, is all. It's what was ingrained in me during my formative years and beyond. My friend, on the other hand, is all about getting that perfect shot. No matter what.
At the end of the night and after getting some pretty cool shots, I had this amazing feeling of accomplishment on the drive home.
Why did I feel the need to be so cautious? Maybe a little overly-cautious? Yes, I was overly-cautious and in the process of looking around, over my shoulder, keeping my back to the wall at times, I gave up the opportunity to shoot some potentially unique images.
Lesson learned. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm a firm believer in being familiar with your surroundings and all, but not to the extent that it keeps you from seeing some pretty incredible scenery. That's exactly what I've managed to do over the majority of my life. I've finally realized the true meaning of that saying, 'It's not the destination, it's the journey...' In other words, relax and enjoy the ride. You'll get to where you're going. Eventually.
Sometimes it's fun to get off the beaten path. You never know what you might find.
S.
This made me stop and think.
For me, getting lost used to be a bad thing. Getting lost used to mean I was out of control of the situation. Getting lost used to mean internal panic and anxiety. Getting lost used to mean my only focus was now getting un-lost and back in familiar territory when I should have been sitting back, enjoying the scenery and taking time to stop and smell the roses along the way. Once again, it took something drastic to help me come to this conclusion.
A couple of weeks ago, on a Sunday night, my friend and I took off with our cameras to do a 'skyline night shoot' of a bigger city about an hour from here. Even though it's something I've always wanted to do, there was always a bit of apprehension due to the reputation (like all places) in some parts of this particular city.
Little did I remember with whom I was traveling... the one who has the most adventurous spirit and is afraid of nothing! Let me be clear here, it's not that I was afraid, I like to think of it as being more on the cautious side when in unfamiliar territory. Especially at night. Where there are bars and people who've been drinking are around. I'm not afraid. Just cautious, is all. It's what was ingrained in me during my formative years and beyond. My friend, on the other hand, is all about getting that perfect shot. No matter what.
At the end of the night and after getting some pretty cool shots, I had this amazing feeling of accomplishment on the drive home.
Why did I feel the need to be so cautious? Maybe a little overly-cautious? Yes, I was overly-cautious and in the process of looking around, over my shoulder, keeping my back to the wall at times, I gave up the opportunity to shoot some potentially unique images.
Lesson learned. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm a firm believer in being familiar with your surroundings and all, but not to the extent that it keeps you from seeing some pretty incredible scenery. That's exactly what I've managed to do over the majority of my life. I've finally realized the true meaning of that saying, 'It's not the destination, it's the journey...' In other words, relax and enjoy the ride. You'll get to where you're going. Eventually.
Sometimes it's fun to get off the beaten path. You never know what you might find.
S.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Less Talk More Listen
Lately, I've gotten hooked on watching the You Tube videos that the American Heart Association has put out in the Go Red For Women Campaign. My favorites (never thought I'd say that!) are the many stories from the various women sharing details of the day they'd had their cardiac episode.
Two things stick out and strike me as odd each time I hear another story:
1. Women's heart attack symptoms are not necessarily always the same as a man's symptoms or even what one would think of as 'typical'.
2. The emergency staff or doctor(s) treating many of these women, in more cases than not, had a tendency to dismiss their symptoms as anxiety. With that, they'd give an anti-anxiety and prescribe an anti-depressant.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HwV-r9vyRt8&feature=related
These two things make me sad and angry!
A while ago, I wrote about my own experience of the day I had my heart attack. Sadly, I got the same reaction as many of these women once I'd gotten to the Emergency Room. NO ONE even thought to look at my heart due to the symptoms AND my age. Being 44 years old at the time, coming in with an extremely sore throat as my main symptom probably didn't seem to send up any red flags at first. However, as time went on and my situation began going downhill, you would think one of those trained medical professionals would have thought to check my heart.
To be fair (does fairness really matter when you're about to die?), during most of the action, I was pretty out of it. Being unable to breathe while on medication you're having a bad reaction to may have a tendency to do that to you. Anyway, it wasn't until they were getting ready to send me home at the end of the day, because they couldn't find anything wrong, that someone finally spoke up and suggested checking the heart. After reading through all the doctor's notes from that night, I learned that that someone was ME. Thank you, Jesus!
Months later, I was asked to speak and give my story at an American Heart Association luncheon. Not wanting to ruffle any feathers, I told my story, but left out what I really wanted to say, which is this:
Two things stick out and strike me as odd each time I hear another story:
1. Women's heart attack symptoms are not necessarily always the same as a man's symptoms or even what one would think of as 'typical'.
2. The emergency staff or doctor(s) treating many of these women, in more cases than not, had a tendency to dismiss their symptoms as anxiety. With that, they'd give an anti-anxiety and prescribe an anti-depressant.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HwV-r9vyRt8&feature=related
These two things make me sad and angry!
A while ago, I wrote about my own experience of the day I had my heart attack. Sadly, I got the same reaction as many of these women once I'd gotten to the Emergency Room. NO ONE even thought to look at my heart due to the symptoms AND my age. Being 44 years old at the time, coming in with an extremely sore throat as my main symptom probably didn't seem to send up any red flags at first. However, as time went on and my situation began going downhill, you would think one of those trained medical professionals would have thought to check my heart.
To be fair (does fairness really matter when you're about to die?), during most of the action, I was pretty out of it. Being unable to breathe while on medication you're having a bad reaction to may have a tendency to do that to you. Anyway, it wasn't until they were getting ready to send me home at the end of the day, because they couldn't find anything wrong, that someone finally spoke up and suggested checking the heart. After reading through all the doctor's notes from that night, I learned that that someone was ME. Thank you, Jesus!
Months later, I was asked to speak and give my story at an American Heart Association luncheon. Not wanting to ruffle any feathers, I told my story, but left out what I really wanted to say, which is this:
NOT ONLY DOES THERE NEED TO BE MORE RESEARCH AS TO WHY CARDIOVASCULAR DISEASE IS THE NUMBER ONE KILLER OF WOMEN (NOW TAKING MORE AND MORE YOUNGER WOMEN), BUT OUR EMERGENCY PERSONNEL AND DOCTORS MUST BE BETTER EDUCATED IN THE AREAS OF THE ATYPICAL SYMPTOMS OF HEART ATTACKS IN WOMEN!
All this has me wondering how much responsibility should be placed on the doctors. Just watch a few of the Go Red videos and see if you don't end up wondering the same. It seems to me that a lot of heart attacks could be have been prevented if these women's doctors wouldn't have been so quick to dismiss their odd symptoms.
My own experience with a doctor who wouldn't listen ended up with me firing him. He did more talking than listening and I ended up in the hospital due to blood pressure issues. Instead of running tests to get to the root of the problem, he kept insisting on treating the symptoms with anti-depressants. You can trust and believe the only emotion I was feeling was frustration and NOT depression!
Now, due to my medical history, they listen and will usually go above and beyond to make sure they cover all their bases. Unfortunately, it took a pretty drastic health event to reach this point. If anything has come out of this, one thing is for sure... I hope and pray that what happened to me has given our doctors cause to stop and think before discharging a young woman with throat, neck, jaw, ear or even thumb pain.
If you find yourself in a position where your doctor isn't willing to work with you and hear you out, find one who will. It may take some time, but they're out there and it will be worth it.
Bottom line: Less talk and more listen, Doc!
S.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
A Broken Heart
Today was such a beautiful day... I heard my oldest daughter sing, 'Amazing Grace' with such an amazing anointing. I heard my husband pray with that same beautiful anointing. I marveled at my three, beautiful girls and how they've matured into such wonderfully caring, compassionate and incredible young ladies who live for and love the Lord in a way I could only imagine at that age.
Today was gorgeous... until I watched my brother's urn go into the hole my husband dug.
Today was nearly perfect... until I watched my aging, grieving father pick up the shovel to begin to fill in the hole after the urn was placed. That broke my heart. I cannot begin to imagine how he is feeling, having to bury his child.
I stood under the only tree in the middle of the cemetary and tried to take in each moment of how this day felt. Yes, perfect in so many ways, but so heart-breaking at the same time.
At one point, I remember thinking how glad I was that this was now over and I can get on with life, but then I realized I've not even begun to grieve. And there is much to grieve. While I can't go into all the details, just trust me when I tell you that there is much to grieve.
I have regrets and I don't like that.
There is nothing I can do about it now and I don't like that.
I thought I'd have more time with him. I don't and I don't like that.
My heart is broken.
He was my only sibling. It's now just my dad and I.
His memory weighs heavy on my mind and in my heart.
I will forever remember everything about this day and what brought us together. I will forever remember you, NDR, and all the good times.
I will not put off until tomorrow what I know I need to do today anymore, because of you and that, I like.
Your life did have meaning. Whether you realize it or not, I am changed because of you and that, I like.
As I take each day and face each challenge, I do it knowing I already have more than enough on the inside to get me through the coming days ahead. And that, I like.
S.
Today was gorgeous... until I watched my brother's urn go into the hole my husband dug.
Today was nearly perfect... until I watched my aging, grieving father pick up the shovel to begin to fill in the hole after the urn was placed. That broke my heart. I cannot begin to imagine how he is feeling, having to bury his child.
I stood under the only tree in the middle of the cemetary and tried to take in each moment of how this day felt. Yes, perfect in so many ways, but so heart-breaking at the same time.
At one point, I remember thinking how glad I was that this was now over and I can get on with life, but then I realized I've not even begun to grieve. And there is much to grieve. While I can't go into all the details, just trust me when I tell you that there is much to grieve.
I have regrets and I don't like that.
There is nothing I can do about it now and I don't like that.
I thought I'd have more time with him. I don't and I don't like that.
My heart is broken.
He was my only sibling. It's now just my dad and I.
His memory weighs heavy on my mind and in my heart.
I will forever remember everything about this day and what brought us together. I will forever remember you, NDR, and all the good times.
I will not put off until tomorrow what I know I need to do today anymore, because of you and that, I like.
Your life did have meaning. Whether you realize it or not, I am changed because of you and that, I like.
As I take each day and face each challenge, I do it knowing I already have more than enough on the inside to get me through the coming days ahead. And that, I like.
S.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Catching My Breath
The last couple of weeks have had me reeling, as I have received news of my older brother's passing, planning his funeral, dealing with family and friend issues and just trying to make sure everyone, in general, is happy. Tomorrow, we will have a private family burial and that will be it. That. Will. Be. It.
This, once again, has been a huge wake-up call to me. Especially since he died of a heart attack. No prior warning symptoms. He just collapsed and died. The toxicology report won't be in for a while, but my guess is that it was what they call the 'Widow Maker.' He was 48 years old.
I'm not quite sure how to feel about it all. Losing a sibling is like losing a part of yourself, no matter how old you are. We buried our mother about four years ago and I can tell you that from my perspective, this is very different for some reason. I am sad and I am going to allow myself to have some down time... I don't plan to stay in this place emotionally, but I am planning to do some reflecting on my life, my dreams, my hopes, goals and then get to work at making them happen. Right now, I just need to catch my breath and think about my brother, my grieving dad and try to make some sense of it all.
Again... as if I haven't stressed this point enough throughout this blog 'o mine... LIVE YOUR LIFE. What are you waiting on? We are not promised tomorrow. We aren't even promised our next breath. You only get one chance to get it right. Treat others (especially those closest to you) as you would want to be treated. Reach out to those who are in need or hurting and go above and beyond to be of service. Quit focusing on the bad things in life... try turning that around and look for the good. Live a life of gratitude, even (and especially) in the bad times. Random acts of kindness (especially for a stranger) can go a long way and make a huge difference in someone's day.
Remember: Now is the time. The time is now. You will never get this moment back.
Go out and be the change you want to see made in this world.
S.
This, once again, has been a huge wake-up call to me. Especially since he died of a heart attack. No prior warning symptoms. He just collapsed and died. The toxicology report won't be in for a while, but my guess is that it was what they call the 'Widow Maker.' He was 48 years old.
I'm not quite sure how to feel about it all. Losing a sibling is like losing a part of yourself, no matter how old you are. We buried our mother about four years ago and I can tell you that from my perspective, this is very different for some reason. I am sad and I am going to allow myself to have some down time... I don't plan to stay in this place emotionally, but I am planning to do some reflecting on my life, my dreams, my hopes, goals and then get to work at making them happen. Right now, I just need to catch my breath and think about my brother, my grieving dad and try to make some sense of it all.
Again... as if I haven't stressed this point enough throughout this blog 'o mine... LIVE YOUR LIFE. What are you waiting on? We are not promised tomorrow. We aren't even promised our next breath. You only get one chance to get it right. Treat others (especially those closest to you) as you would want to be treated. Reach out to those who are in need or hurting and go above and beyond to be of service. Quit focusing on the bad things in life... try turning that around and look for the good. Live a life of gratitude, even (and especially) in the bad times. Random acts of kindness (especially for a stranger) can go a long way and make a huge difference in someone's day.
Remember: Now is the time. The time is now. You will never get this moment back.
Go out and be the change you want to see made in this world.
S.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Happy Heart Month #2
September 10 marked the two year anniversary of my Quadruple Bypass. When I look back over those two years, I'd love to be able to say that I've come so far, but in all honesty, some days I wonder. I wonder why it had to me and seemingly continues to be me with various issues related to my heart. I wonder why it happened in the first place. I wonder why it took such a drastic event to make me realize my life was passing me by at an alarming rate. Whatever the reason, it's done and this is where I'm at in life. Not exactly a fun place, but it is what it is... for now. I also wonder what a Wendy's Cheeseburger would taste like now. Oh, and maybe a little celebration cupcake... I do so love me some cupcake!
I'm not sure what the future holds, but if I spent my days totally absorbed in those thoughts, letting my mind go 'there', who knows where I'd be. Most likely, not in a good place! Maybe it has something to do with that second year when so often they (who are 'they', anyway) say there's just something about the second year being more of a year of reflection. I can say that there may be some truth in that... at least in my case. I've made some decisions in and for my life that have enabled me to overcome several fears that have plagued me all my life and I've done each one without regret. The only regret I have is that I didn't do them sooner, while in better health.
I've learned it's vitally important to love extravagantly and radically. You never know when you'll take your last breath on this earth and you don't want anyone left wondering what they meant to you.
I've learned the importance of letting new people into my little circle of friends. You never know how those new lives can enhance yours and challenge you to do/be better in many ways.
I've learned to let go of the junk that really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. Being able to forgive and move on is an amazingly freeing experience.
I've learned to appreciate the little things in life.
I've learned that it's not what or how much you have that brings true happiness. It can all be taken away in the blink of an eye.
I've learned that it's important to bring only encouragement and words of peace to those around me. I know too many people who never have anything good to say about anyone or anything and it's not a very attractive quality to have. As a matter of fact, I'm considering taking a hiatus from Facebook for this very reason. We'll see...
There are so many things I've learned over the last two years, but probably one of the things that sticks out in my head the most is that time is short... you just never know. Live, love and laugh... my daughter gave me a bracelet that says these things and it's my absolute favorite. I wear it just about everyday to remind me to do just what it says. If you're not doing it, try it. I highly recommend it!
If you want a change in your life, go out and do something toward being the change you want to see made!
S.
I'm not sure what the future holds, but if I spent my days totally absorbed in those thoughts, letting my mind go 'there', who knows where I'd be. Most likely, not in a good place! Maybe it has something to do with that second year when so often they (who are 'they', anyway) say there's just something about the second year being more of a year of reflection. I can say that there may be some truth in that... at least in my case. I've made some decisions in and for my life that have enabled me to overcome several fears that have plagued me all my life and I've done each one without regret. The only regret I have is that I didn't do them sooner, while in better health.
I've learned it's vitally important to love extravagantly and radically. You never know when you'll take your last breath on this earth and you don't want anyone left wondering what they meant to you.
I've learned the importance of letting new people into my little circle of friends. You never know how those new lives can enhance yours and challenge you to do/be better in many ways.
I've learned to let go of the junk that really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. Being able to forgive and move on is an amazingly freeing experience.
I've learned to appreciate the little things in life.
I've learned that it's not what or how much you have that brings true happiness. It can all be taken away in the blink of an eye.
I've learned that it's important to bring only encouragement and words of peace to those around me. I know too many people who never have anything good to say about anyone or anything and it's not a very attractive quality to have. As a matter of fact, I'm considering taking a hiatus from Facebook for this very reason. We'll see...
There are so many things I've learned over the last two years, but probably one of the things that sticks out in my head the most is that time is short... you just never know. Live, love and laugh... my daughter gave me a bracelet that says these things and it's my absolute favorite. I wear it just about everyday to remind me to do just what it says. If you're not doing it, try it. I highly recommend it!
If you want a change in your life, go out and do something toward being the change you want to see made!
S.
Friday, September 16, 2011
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Battle Scars
I often write about the frustrations, limitations and adaptations I am walking through right now due to health issues. "It sucks" frequently follows those words... sorry, but it just does.
First of all there are the physical scars... the main one running down the middle of my chest. I will never forget the first time I got up the courage to look at it in the mirror while still in the hospital. When I think back on that day, my stomach still knots up. This one took me a while to get past and I will admit there are days when it's at the forefront of my mind. Although, there are the other days when I really couldn't care less what anyone thinks... don't stare and try to pretend it's not there. Ask me about it if you want to know! As a matter of fact, a couple of months after I had surgery, I went to the grocery store without covering it and a young man happened to see it so he asked me about it. He then proceeded to tell me about his sister's open heart surgery. He was awesome! We ended up having the nicest visit. Wish everyone could be as comfortable with it as he was.
I've often thought about (and even checked into) reconstructive surgery, but then decided it probably wouldn't be worth it since trying to get it back to BS (before surgery) isn't realistic. Also, I can't count the number of people who have said, "Oh, don't you dare touch that scar... those are your battle scars, your testimony." Easy for them to say, but I know that, in a way, there is some truth in that statement. I have been through somewhat of a battle over the last few years. Unfortunately that battle still rages from time to time and guess what... it SUCKS!
In all honesty, I would rather not have these scars. I would love to live a life of never having to worry about exposing too much for fear that it might make some uneasy. Somedays I get tired of these scars dictating how my life will go. The constant reminder that I'm not the same and will never be the same as before. Somedays I know that's a good thing. Other days, it SUCKS! I guess you could say this is where the emotional part comes in to mess with my mind and I think I've figured out why... I believe it's all because this happened to me at such a young age and in all this chaos, nearly dying didn't help matters. Something about this whole season of my life has caused me to change many things about the way I now live my life. For the most part, I realize the importance of getting out of my comfort zone and experiencing new things and places. Some days it's easier than others. Those harder days are usually spent wondering how and why it is that I survived only to feel as though my quality of life has diminished in such a way that it's not only affected me, but those most important to me. I look for ways to keep my mind distracted, because I dread the day I come face to face with it and have to confront it head on. It won't be pretty.
As I press on in this race, hard as it is sometimes, I know that it's vitally important to be thankful in and for all things. I'd be lying if I said that wasn't a challenging area for me on those hard days. I'm human and I can only take so much while still maintaining my composure.
When I started this blog, I knew the one thing I had to convey was complete honesty as I wrote about the ups and downs of recovering after a heart attack/surgery. Well, here 'tis... the truth about how I see my scars. Is there a right or wrong way to view them? Who knows? We're all different and choose to deal with the issues of life in various ways. However, if you happen to figure it out, would you please let me know? I'd be forever grateful!
S.
First of all there are the physical scars... the main one running down the middle of my chest. I will never forget the first time I got up the courage to look at it in the mirror while still in the hospital. When I think back on that day, my stomach still knots up. This one took me a while to get past and I will admit there are days when it's at the forefront of my mind. Although, there are the other days when I really couldn't care less what anyone thinks... don't stare and try to pretend it's not there. Ask me about it if you want to know! As a matter of fact, a couple of months after I had surgery, I went to the grocery store without covering it and a young man happened to see it so he asked me about it. He then proceeded to tell me about his sister's open heart surgery. He was awesome! We ended up having the nicest visit. Wish everyone could be as comfortable with it as he was.
I've often thought about (and even checked into) reconstructive surgery, but then decided it probably wouldn't be worth it since trying to get it back to BS (before surgery) isn't realistic. Also, I can't count the number of people who have said, "Oh, don't you dare touch that scar... those are your battle scars, your testimony." Easy for them to say, but I know that, in a way, there is some truth in that statement. I have been through somewhat of a battle over the last few years. Unfortunately that battle still rages from time to time and guess what... it SUCKS!
In all honesty, I would rather not have these scars. I would love to live a life of never having to worry about exposing too much for fear that it might make some uneasy. Somedays I get tired of these scars dictating how my life will go. The constant reminder that I'm not the same and will never be the same as before. Somedays I know that's a good thing. Other days, it SUCKS! I guess you could say this is where the emotional part comes in to mess with my mind and I think I've figured out why... I believe it's all because this happened to me at such a young age and in all this chaos, nearly dying didn't help matters. Something about this whole season of my life has caused me to change many things about the way I now live my life. For the most part, I realize the importance of getting out of my comfort zone and experiencing new things and places. Some days it's easier than others. Those harder days are usually spent wondering how and why it is that I survived only to feel as though my quality of life has diminished in such a way that it's not only affected me, but those most important to me. I look for ways to keep my mind distracted, because I dread the day I come face to face with it and have to confront it head on. It won't be pretty.
As I press on in this race, hard as it is sometimes, I know that it's vitally important to be thankful in and for all things. I'd be lying if I said that wasn't a challenging area for me on those hard days. I'm human and I can only take so much while still maintaining my composure.
When I started this blog, I knew the one thing I had to convey was complete honesty as I wrote about the ups and downs of recovering after a heart attack/surgery. Well, here 'tis... the truth about how I see my scars. Is there a right or wrong way to view them? Who knows? We're all different and choose to deal with the issues of life in various ways. However, if you happen to figure it out, would you please let me know? I'd be forever grateful!
S.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Times Like These
Tonite, as I sit here writing this, I am having trouble breathing, my chest feels funny, my throat has been hurting like crazy and it feels like fluid is beginning to build up. It's in times like these the situation really sucks because I'm not sure whether or not to go to the ER or just wait it out. And I was having such a good day up until a few hours ago... frustration, yet, again.
Earlier today, I did a little computer work, met my best friend for lunch, ran with her to Wal Mart and then ran a few errands for her. Once done, I went back to her workplace to help set up for a party. Other than a slight head and neck ache, I felt pretty good. Now, this. What's up with the downturn all of a sudden?
According to the statistics, chances of my having another heart attack is larger than if I'd never had one to begin with. And, according to statistics, my survival rate isn't that great if I were to have one due to the amount of damage already done to my heart from the first go-round. I know that the truth and the facts are two very different things, but until you've walked in my shoes, you really haven't a clue as to this fight I'm in. Does tonite's episode affect my faith in God to get me through one way or another? No! He has very special plans for me and my life and they don't include sickness, pain or suffering. I wish I had an answer for why we go through the things we do, but the truth of the matter is that it really doesn't matter... at least not to me. It is what it is and God is who He is.
For now, that's all I'm able to write. Looks like I'll be sleeping in a sitting position tonite in order to breathe a little easier, which isn't a big deal. It's actually something I've, unfortunately, gotten used too.
One day, hopefully soon, I will no longer be walking this road and it is well with my soul.
S.
Earlier today, I did a little computer work, met my best friend for lunch, ran with her to Wal Mart and then ran a few errands for her. Once done, I went back to her workplace to help set up for a party. Other than a slight head and neck ache, I felt pretty good. Now, this. What's up with the downturn all of a sudden?
According to the statistics, chances of my having another heart attack is larger than if I'd never had one to begin with. And, according to statistics, my survival rate isn't that great if I were to have one due to the amount of damage already done to my heart from the first go-round. I know that the truth and the facts are two very different things, but until you've walked in my shoes, you really haven't a clue as to this fight I'm in. Does tonite's episode affect my faith in God to get me through one way or another? No! He has very special plans for me and my life and they don't include sickness, pain or suffering. I wish I had an answer for why we go through the things we do, but the truth of the matter is that it really doesn't matter... at least not to me. It is what it is and God is who He is.
For now, that's all I'm able to write. Looks like I'll be sleeping in a sitting position tonite in order to breathe a little easier, which isn't a big deal. It's actually something I've, unfortunately, gotten used too.
One day, hopefully soon, I will no longer be walking this road and it is well with my soul.
S.
Friday, August 5, 2011
Grand Number Four
Throughout the summer, we've tried to take one grandchild at a time and spend a few days with just that one, doing fun things, giving special attention and just trying to give their mom somewhat of a break here and there. Recently, we had the pleasure of having 'Grand Number Four' here with us for a couple of days.
GNF is the fourth of five children. GNF is probably the toughest of all five, with good reason. GNF is as sweet and loving as she can be, but just don't get on her bad side or in the line of fire as she tends to throw things and has great aim! At the age of almost two, this little one has mastered the art of the female mood swing and I couldn't be prouder!
Along with the other four, this baby has brought out things in me I didn't even know were there. Things I wish I'd exhibited with my own three when they were little. Patience, for one. The gift of one-on-one time, for another. Just observing their behaviors and taking in each moment and accomplishment as it came. It's funny the things we'll do for this next generation that we wouldn't dare think of doing with our own... giving them unlimited amounts of sweets then sending them home. Holding them all night long as they sleep because you know that they'll be wide awake as soon as you put them down. Laughing uncontrollably as they entertain us with bodily functions. Snickering as they 'show the love' with that middle finger (still not sure where that one came from) or the many other, unmentionable things that come out of their mouths. Although, I have to admit that when I compare myself to my grandmother, I fall so embarrassingly short. She was the 'mother of all mothers'! She worked all night on a cleaning crew and then took care of her three grandchildren while their mother's worked during the day. There was not a meal that went by that she didn't prepare for us and whomever else showed up at meal time. She managed to head up our Girl Scout troop for years and seemed to enjoy it with everything in her. She made quilts for each of us year-round. She took the time to teach me to sew and cook. She ruled that home with an iron fist and when we got out of line, we had the honor of choosing the switch from the tree that would be used for correction. She showed us the example of faithfully reading her Bible, doing and giving for and to others, and tried to instill in us that she had better not ever catch us wearing pants to church!
I know better than to compare myself to anyone for any reason, but I'm not going to lie... it's hard sometimes. It makes me angry that I have to cut my time short with GNF because I'm not feeling well. It makes me angry that it's difficult to function in this heat and humidity. It makes me angry that even the pool water is too warm to swim in... what's that about???
My grandmother lived a long life of service to the Lord and in that, she lived to give. When I think about the example I'm setting for my grandchildren... ouch. There's not much comparison and today it makes me sad. Tomorrow, I pray I will have a better attitude and can start again. When I close my eyes and see those litte faces in my mind, that's the extra boost I seem to need to keep pressing on. They are more than worth it!
S.
GNF is the fourth of five children. GNF is probably the toughest of all five, with good reason. GNF is as sweet and loving as she can be, but just don't get on her bad side or in the line of fire as she tends to throw things and has great aim! At the age of almost two, this little one has mastered the art of the female mood swing and I couldn't be prouder!
Along with the other four, this baby has brought out things in me I didn't even know were there. Things I wish I'd exhibited with my own three when they were little. Patience, for one. The gift of one-on-one time, for another. Just observing their behaviors and taking in each moment and accomplishment as it came. It's funny the things we'll do for this next generation that we wouldn't dare think of doing with our own... giving them unlimited amounts of sweets then sending them home. Holding them all night long as they sleep because you know that they'll be wide awake as soon as you put them down. Laughing uncontrollably as they entertain us with bodily functions. Snickering as they 'show the love' with that middle finger (still not sure where that one came from) or the many other, unmentionable things that come out of their mouths. Although, I have to admit that when I compare myself to my grandmother, I fall so embarrassingly short. She was the 'mother of all mothers'! She worked all night on a cleaning crew and then took care of her three grandchildren while their mother's worked during the day. There was not a meal that went by that she didn't prepare for us and whomever else showed up at meal time. She managed to head up our Girl Scout troop for years and seemed to enjoy it with everything in her. She made quilts for each of us year-round. She took the time to teach me to sew and cook. She ruled that home with an iron fist and when we got out of line, we had the honor of choosing the switch from the tree that would be used for correction. She showed us the example of faithfully reading her Bible, doing and giving for and to others, and tried to instill in us that she had better not ever catch us wearing pants to church!
I know better than to compare myself to anyone for any reason, but I'm not going to lie... it's hard sometimes. It makes me angry that I have to cut my time short with GNF because I'm not feeling well. It makes me angry that it's difficult to function in this heat and humidity. It makes me angry that even the pool water is too warm to swim in... what's that about???
My grandmother lived a long life of service to the Lord and in that, she lived to give. When I think about the example I'm setting for my grandchildren... ouch. There's not much comparison and today it makes me sad. Tomorrow, I pray I will have a better attitude and can start again. When I close my eyes and see those litte faces in my mind, that's the extra boost I seem to need to keep pressing on. They are more than worth it!
S.