In A Heart Beat

That's how quickly things can change without us ever seeing it coming! One of these life-changing events, for me, was the day my mother passed away. I'll never forget that day and the details throughout...

I woke up early and started getting ready for a day of shopping with my daughter. It wasn't long after that when the phone rang. The caller ID showed that it was the hospital number. Who can honestly say that they've never had 'that thought' when they've seen 'that number' come up?

'That thought' crossed my mind, briefly, but when I did answer and was asked if _________ was my mother, I felt my heart drop and then I held my breath. The news was not good. They explained that she had been brought in by ambulance during the night and, after much testing, it had been determined that she had a perforated bowel that could not be repaired due to the fragility of her heart. "Things don't look good. You'd better call the rest of the family together." I will forever remember those words.

We knew she hadn't been feeling well, but had no warning that her time on earth was about to come to an end so abruptly. Later that night, she passed away.

We've all had those moments when something suddenly stops us in our tracks and puts things into perspective. Whether it's family, close friends or something happening to us directly, those times aren't easy to face. Sometimes they're downright unfair and leave us confused, hurt, bitter, angry and full of 'why's'!

When one of those events hits you dead on, it's quite the wake-up call. After my heart attack, I can remember being told that depression, suicidal thoughts and just wanting to give up was quite normal. Seems having a near-death experience tends to give one a whole new outlook on the world around you. I can attest to that fact. I can name off many others who have also experienced those feelings. I, however, prefer not to refer to them as 'normal'. Whether it's just a time of testing, a time of growing, a time of reflecting... whatever it is or whatever it is meant to accomplish, I honestly don't know. The one thing I do know is that, for me, life will never be the same. Some days I work hard at making sure it's better than ever. Some days I'd rather stay in bed with the covers pulled over my head. Still, yet, there are those days that I just don't care what happens and have decided to live in the moment while I have it. I think those days are my favorite of all.

Looking back, knowing what I now know, there are so many things I'd do differently. Who wouldn't?! But, we can't go back. We can only move forward, taking with us those lessons we've learned along the way. So... I guess it's time to tear off the rear-view mirror and quit looking at where I've been and start focusing on where I'm headed. I have much to be thankful for and thankful I am... even in the hard times.

This is a bloom off of the only plant I have left from my mother's funeral. It always blooms around this time of year, near the anniversary of her passing, April 4th.

xoxoxo

Have A Good Time

Recently, I visited my in-laws and just had the best time, in general. However, one of the highlights of that visit was getting to take a ride on the back of my brother-in-law's motorcycle. First of all, when my sister-in-law found out that he was taking ME out, her response was something like, "You go, girl!" Meaning, what a shock it was that I had actually asked to do this thing I wouldn't normally have done previous to all the health issues.

It's hard to describe in detail, unless you've been through it, how things can change in the blink of an eye, when you least expect it. When you least expect it... that's such a strange phrase, because when you think about it, who really sits around, waiting and expecting things to change for the worst? Me, that's who. Well, prior to the Heart Attack. Yep. That would be me.

If you've ever read the book, 'Hinds' Feet on High Places' by Hannah Hurnard, just imagine me being a big part of the 'Fearling Family'. This family was, as their name so described, fearful of everything. They had nothing good to say about or see in anyone. This was me. Always fearful of and dreading the worst-case scenario. It was to the point that even going to stores or restaurants, I would be sure to make a mental note of where each 'Exit' was... just in case. Actually, at the time, I thought I was being quite responsible. Now, I just look back, shake my head in shame and realize how I let fear take over nearly every area of my life.

While riding on the back of that bike last weekend, I began to share with my brother-in-law how I thought having the heart attack was probably the best thing that could have ever happened to me, due to the fact that it made me realize it was time to stop dreaming about the life I had always wanted to live and start living it. Despite the fact that there are still some limitations on my health as far as stamina, I can honestly say that my attempts at 'livin' the life' are becoming a reality for me.

As we talked while riding, he began to encourage me with a verse from Ecclesiates 3, which speaks about enjoying life and dealing with the challenges that we may face. It only confirmed, for me, that I didn't need to live in fear anymore. It's time to carry on and remember that "... we can never know what God is up to, whether He's coming or going. I've decided there's nothing better to do than go ahead and HAVE A GOOD TIME and get the most we can out of life..." Message translation. That doesn't mean it's acceptable to go out and live dangerously, but maybe it is time to get out of our little boxes of comfort and safety and enjoy the abundant life we've been promised. Too bad it took something drastic for me to realize this... or is it? Maybe this is just what I needed to learn to love harder, live better, give generously, think positively and enjoy each moment I have, no matter what the circumstance. I've already been through some pretty horrific stuff... nothing much surprises me anymore.

So... it's off to live I go and plan my third trip down to the Florida Keys in the Fall. Did I mention we just got back from our second trip a couple of weeks ago? It was my youngest daughter's first time to fly in an airplane and she loved, loved, loved it. As you can imagine, she, also, was quite fearful of flying due to my influences and examples. Once she realized, too, how quickly things can change and began to see my life take a turn for a better, happier place, she jumped on board and now there is no stopping either of us! I do believe the travel bug has bitten us and bitten us HARD! Our Summer trip will be amazing... don't know where we're going as of yet, but I know it will rock!

This reminds me of a sticker a friend's daughter gave me that says, 'Destined to be an Old Lady with No Regrets!' Yep, that would be me!

xoxoxo

Seventeen Months

Seventeen months ago, my life changed drastically. By now, most are familiar with my story of one cardiac issue after another, however, one area I rarely discuss is being a former smoker and how it has affected my life now.

I began smoking at the age of 16 when I got my first real job, working down in Central Supply (sterilizing surgical instruments) at our local hospital. Almost every lady in that particular department was a smoker, so it only seemed natural that I join in. Isn't it interesting, when we're so young, we never stop to think about consequences later in life. We live only in the moment and for some, like me, it proved to be one of the biggest mistakes of my life.

As you can well imagine, smoking led from one thing to another, which is a whole other post in itself... and, maybe one day, I'll share, but not today. In keeping to my story... after meeting and marrying my now-husband, discussions soon began about starting a family. A year later, I was handed the most beautiful little angel, whom we named Jessica.

Happily, during the first several months of pregnancy with her, I was unable to light-up due to morning sickness. It lasted well over the first trimester and went into the last trimester. It wasn't until the end of the pregnancy that I began smoking again. Thinking back on that now, it's absolutely not something that I'm proud to announce nor is it easy to admit. Thankfully, this act of selfishness on my part had no lasting effects on our beautiful baby girl.

As our little family grew, we decided it was time to get back to our roots and clean up our act. I think they call it becoming 'responsible adults'.

After I was finally able to get control and overcome several bad habits, smoking cigarettes was the one thing that I could not and would not let go of. In all honestly, I liked smoking. For those of you who don't smoke and haven't a clue as to why anyone would enjoy smoking, let me give you the run-down. Of course, I can only speak for myself, but these are a few of the reasons I enjoyed it so much:

- Smoking has a calming effect, despite the fact that it will raise your heart rate and blood pressure. Before the heart attack, I can remember that feeling of anxiety that something was terribly wrong in my body so, what would I do? LIGHT UP! Go figure.

- Having a meal is not complete until the after-dessert-cigarette has been smoked. I can't quite explain this phenomenon, but ask any smoker and they'll tell you the same.

- Hide a smoker's cigarettes, just for a few hours, and the end result will not be pretty.

- When trying to quit 'cold turkey', the overwhelming feeling of angst, sluggishness and the inablilty to exercise any form of rational thinking has gone out the window after a few hours, as the nicotine levels in your system begin to drop.

- Smokers have certain 'triggers' that, well, trigger the urge to smoke. Mine were as follows: driving/riding in the car, talking on the phone, putting on makeup, working on the computer to name just a few. Learning to re-live my life, while still having to drive, talk on the phone, put on makeup and work on the computer has been nothing short of one of the hardest things I've ever had to overcome. Life goes on. I have just had to find a way to function in this 'new normal.'

- Up until about a few months ago, I was still dealing with the cravings. At times, they were so bad, I just wanted to bang my head against the wall while curled up in the fetal position in the corner, fighting, with everything in me not to light up.

- Smoking vs. Weight Gain. Just about every smoker has it in their head that if they were to quit smoking, they'll gain weight. Well, this has been the case for me. Sometimes I wonder which is worse... poor health due to smoking or poor health due to poor eating habits to fill the void? Although, I could use it as an excuse, I still choose not to light up and just try to get back on the health wagon one day at a time.

Those are just a few of the challenges I've faced on my way to being able to refer to myself as a non-smoker. Now... let me share with you some of the benefits I've reaped as I've resisted every unrelenting urge to smoke:

- Travel. No more scrambling around to find a smoking section in the airport.

- Travel. My car smells nice all the time now.

- Travel. The confidence I have to get through overwhelmingly heavy traffic without having to depend on a cigarette to take the edge off.

- My blood pressure is down to a normal (and sometimes lower than normal) reading.

- Food tastes better, which might not be such a good thing...

- My sense of smell has been heightened, which sometimes isn't such a good thing, either...

- No more heading outside in the freezing cold or smoldering heat to burn one.

- My closet smells nice and fresh.

- Being able to say, 'NO' when asked by a doctor if I smoke.

- Helping out with my daughter's activities without the constant threat of the dreaded craving popping up.

- I'll have good skin as I age.

- My lung capacity has increased and will continue to do so.

- Being the one in control of this habit.

According to the American Heart Association, after a certain amount of time, your body can recover after you stop smoking. Here is a link describing the timeline and benefits when quitting smoking: http://www.healthline.com/health-slideshow/quit-smoking-timeline. This is encouraging to me.

Life on this end of the cigarette has not been an easy one to adapt to, but it has proven to be worth it.

xoxoxo

Florida Slideshow

I'm finally finished editing the images from our Florida trip. Starting out in Key West, heading up to Miami then back down to Key West, stopping at points in between to take it all in. It was a dream vacation and a destination that I'm quite sure I've not seen the last of.

Now, on to trying to focus on the upcoming holidays...

xoxoxo

Jakobe 'Kobe' Ryan

Celebrating and realizing each moment as a gift is just a way of life for me now. No, I don't have cake and decorate with streamers every day, but it's just a new attitude of gratitude that I have learned to live out.

Monday, November 1, 2010 brought with it new reason to celebrate and cherish life... my newest grandson, Jakobe 'Kobe' Ryan, came into the world and I was blessed enough to get to witness this miracle, camera in hand.

Kobe's mom the day before his birth

Birth Day Slideshow

Thinking back to where I was this time last year, recovering from Bypass Surgery in another town, unable to have the privilege of welcoming my fourth grandchild into the world firsthand... I've come a long way and am so thankful! I can't even begin to put into words the feeling of hanging on to each moment of my daughter's labor and then getting to hold this beautiful little bundle of joy right away. It was almost overwhelming for me. Like I said earlier, I have a new appreciation and gratitude for life. It's better than good!

Congrats to my daughter and her husband... they are truly awesome parents and I couldn't be more proud!

xoxoxo

Home Sweet Home

Kym and I are now home from our get-away to the Florida Keys and I have to tell you that there are absolutely no words to describe how fabulous our vacation was. If you've never been, I highly recommend Key West as the perfect place to relax and let go of all your worries. It's probably one of the most laid-back places I've ever visited. We plan to go back soon. Very soon. Below are just a few reasons why...

Duvall Street

Crowd gathering at Mallory Square to watch the sunset

Waves crashing in South Beach, Miami

Sail boats at sunrise

Our resort in Islamorada... gorgeous and so serene

Sunrise in Key West... what a welcome!

With over two-thousand images to sort through, I'm slowly making my way through them all but am in no big hurry. Right now, I'm finishing up the images from the birth of my fifth grandchild, born November 1st, Jakobe ('Kobe') Ryan. I've also been working on the maternity shots of his beautiful mom, taken the day before he came into the world. I can't stop looking at either one! More on that next time.

For now, all the images from our Key West trip will be up for viewing on my photo hosting page within the next two weeks. Wish I could share with you every detail of our trip, but each day brought so many new activities and experiences, I'm still processing it all. I truly can hardly wait to go back... but until then, it feels so good to be back on my farm, driving down my gravel drive, seeing the calves chasing each other in the field, feeling the chill in the air and just watching the leaves change color outside my window. And of course there are those I live and breathe for... my family and friends. I have a new love and excitement for traveling, but the old saying, 'no place like home', still holds true in my heart.

xoxoxo

Paradise Found

I think I may just have found paradise in the States... Key West is absolutely gorgeous! Obviously, sitting at my computer is not on my short list, so I'll post more about our trip once I've slowed down.

Just a random couple kissing at sunrise

Miami coming alive at midnight

South Miami Beach

Adios for now, amigos!

xoxoxo