Confessional Friday

Once again, it's Friday and I'm loving the Confessional Theme, so here we go...

I may or may not be the noisiest house on the block.  (Just wait until the neighbors experience my first real party!)

I AM excited to get to watch my oldest granddaughter play basketball this weekend!

I AM also the most excited 'Nan' because I'm going to see the newest grandbaby next

  week!

I no longer have health insurance... He won that in the divorce.

I may or may not be looking for ideas toward my next tattoo.

I recently began playing pool again and am loving it!

I've seriously considered turning my master bedroom into a pool room.

I may or may not use sleep as a coping mechanism.

I have a new bff I've not mentioned yet... a 3 year old red/tan Doberman, named Pip.

A car that's trashed out inside may or may not cause me a great deal of anxiety and I may

  or may not have been known to just start clearing out the trash whether the owner likes

  it or not.

I may or may not have gotten pulled over for speeding once, twice or five times but have

  only walked away with a warning each time.  One of the Police Officers actually made

  me hold my hand out of the window so he could slap it then let me go!

Did I mention that I may or may not HATE Summer with a passion?!

I may or may not be waiting on that perfect watermelon to come through my door.

I may or may not have so many projects in the works... I have no idea where to begin.

I often regret quitting piano as a kid!

I may or may not have the best house/dog sitter on the face of the earth!

That's pretty much all the comes to mind this time around.  The last couple of days have been rough so I feel a bit off my game.  I may or may not be ready for things to turn around for the good!!!

Moving On

July 2016.  Another year half over.  How is that possible?

I wish I could say I've taken my own advice by living life to the fullest, loving extravagantly and taking things head on, but to be honest, I haven't been that strong through the divorce proceedings, which took nearly 2 1/2 years.  To say it's been one of the hardest times of my life is an understatement.  It truly is like grieving a death.  Again.

I've seen two Therapists and both made a point of telling me that I would get to the other side of this agony and find life.  It's taken time and some very supportive friends, but I think I can now feel some relief.  Most days.

Other days, like just last week, when the final decree, signed by the judge, came in the mail was tough.  I found myself staring at it for the longest time, however, it was strange as I wasn't really reading it.  I was looking at the piece of paper, but thinking back on all the memories made over the last 34 years before I realized it.  It's still sitting on the counter in the kitchen where I left it. 

I'm still stunned as to how this happened.  I need to heal emotionally and now that it's over, my plan is to move closer to extended family in Arizona by the end of the year.  Whether I stay for the rest of my life or just a few years, I don't know.  One thing I do know is that it's time to find ME again... or the NEW version of ME since everything I once knew is gone now.

I feel the need to honest and real so I'll admit that I've dealt with some very dark things and thoughts that I've acted on.  I'm not proud of those times and how I've reacted, but am thankful some very important people in my life intervened when they did.

I have to find a way to cope and move on with my life.  Nobody said it was going to be easy and I'm here to tell you that no truer words were ever spoken.

As for my health... it's so hot and humid out, you can usually find me inside.  The heat is one thing, but it's the humidity that gets me.  Again, frustration sets in because it's hard to get out and do things like a normal person.  I'm looking so forward to the Fall and Winter!

I've not been taking care of myself like I once did.  I've fallen off the wagon in a big way and I know I'd better get it together before it's too late.  Again, I need time.  I'm hoping by getting back to writing here, I can begin to get some clarity on life and where I'm headed.

I recently celebrated the 7th Anniversary of the heart attack.  I still wonder how I survived it, but am very thankful I did and am still here to continue to tell my story and hold my girls and their families close while I can.  Something we should all be doing, regardless of the circumstances in our lives.

Thanks to those of you that have hung in there with me through it all!  You are more appreciated than you know.

Shattered Hearts and Healing Hearts

So much has happened since my last post.  My oldest daughter got married and now has a baby boy named Slade.  He's five months old and perfect.  They've moved to Texas and taken a position in a church there so I don't get to see them as much as I'd like since it's now a nine hour drive, at best.  I miss them and it's hard, but as long as they're walking in their calling, I can't complain.

My youngest daughter graduated High School and has just wrapped up her first year in College.  I'm quite proud as she finished with a 3.5 gpa, which was no easy task since this school is known for it's academics.  She's back home with me now, working full time for an Abstract Company.

Without a doubt, the most heart-breaking event to take place since my last post is my on-going divorce.  After 32 years of marriage, my stbx (soon-to-be-ex) has served me with divorce papers, found someone else, given her a ring and from what I understand, he's planning a life with her after our divorce is final.  So much for "in sickness and in health"...

For the last two and a half years, I've been living on my own and it's been a roller coaster.  Life as I knew it will never, ever be the same.  I've seen the darkest of dark days, however, still hopeful for the day I come out the other side of this, which everyone says will happen eventually.

Unfortunately, the most difficult part of it all is watching my youngest daughter suffer through such emotional distress.  Her sisters don't understand and why should they?  They're grown, have families and lives of their own.  They're not living this hell on a daily basis.  I want, so badly, for her to find support from friends, family and those going through the same emotions. 

It's just all been so heart-breaking.  So much I don't understand.  What's happening to the family unit in society today?  How do men find it so easy to walk away when things get hard?  Where's the love?

People call me strong.  I don't feel strong.

People see a smile when I'm shattered inside.

People see a bright future for me.  I can't see past today.

People can't begin to understand the rejection I feel.

People can't begin to understand this gut-wrenching pain.

People just don't understand so the support isn't there.

I'm on my own.

Hopefully, I can get back to blogging on a regular basis with more positive postings.  No promises, but I'll try.

Til next time...

Stephanie