Confessional Friday

Once again, it's Friday and I'm loving the Confessional Theme, so here we go...

I may or may not be the noisiest house on the block.  (Just wait until the neighbors experience my first real party!)

I AM excited to get to watch my oldest granddaughter play basketball this weekend!

I AM also the most excited 'Nan' because I'm going to see the newest grandbaby next

  week!

I no longer have health insurance... He won that in the divorce.

I may or may not be looking for ideas toward my next tattoo.

I recently began playing pool again and am loving it!

I've seriously considered turning my master bedroom into a pool room.

I may or may not use sleep as a coping mechanism.

I have a new bff I've not mentioned yet... a 3 year old red/tan Doberman, named Pip.

A car that's trashed out inside may or may not cause me a great deal of anxiety and I may

  or may not have been known to just start clearing out the trash whether the owner likes

  it or not.

I may or may not have gotten pulled over for speeding once, twice or five times but have

  only walked away with a warning each time.  One of the Police Officers actually made

  me hold my hand out of the window so he could slap it then let me go!

Did I mention that I may or may not HATE Summer with a passion?!

I may or may not be waiting on that perfect watermelon to come through my door.

I may or may not have so many projects in the works... I have no idea where to begin.

I often regret quitting piano as a kid!

I may or may not have the best house/dog sitter on the face of the earth!

That's pretty much all the comes to mind this time around.  The last couple of days have been rough so I feel a bit off my game.  I may or may not be ready for things to turn around for the good!!!

Moving On

July 2016.  Another year half over.  How is that possible?

I wish I could say I've taken my own advice by living life to the fullest, loving extravagantly and taking things head on, but to be honest, I haven't been that strong through the divorce proceedings, which took nearly 2 1/2 years.  To say it's been one of the hardest times of my life is an understatement.  It truly is like grieving a death.  Again.

I've seen two Therapists and both made a point of telling me that I would get to the other side of this agony and find life.  It's taken time and some very supportive friends, but I think I can now feel some relief.  Most days.

Other days, like just last week, when the final decree, signed by the judge, came in the mail was tough.  I found myself staring at it for the longest time, however, it was strange as I wasn't really reading it.  I was looking at the piece of paper, but thinking back on all the memories made over the last 34 years before I realized it.  It's still sitting on the counter in the kitchen where I left it. 

I'm still stunned as to how this happened.  I need to heal emotionally and now that it's over, my plan is to move closer to extended family in Arizona by the end of the year.  Whether I stay for the rest of my life or just a few years, I don't know.  One thing I do know is that it's time to find ME again... or the NEW version of ME since everything I once knew is gone now.

I feel the need to honest and real so I'll admit that I've dealt with some very dark things and thoughts that I've acted on.  I'm not proud of those times and how I've reacted, but am thankful some very important people in my life intervened when they did.

I have to find a way to cope and move on with my life.  Nobody said it was going to be easy and I'm here to tell you that no truer words were ever spoken.

As for my health... it's so hot and humid out, you can usually find me inside.  The heat is one thing, but it's the humidity that gets me.  Again, frustration sets in because it's hard to get out and do things like a normal person.  I'm looking so forward to the Fall and Winter!

I've not been taking care of myself like I once did.  I've fallen off the wagon in a big way and I know I'd better get it together before it's too late.  Again, I need time.  I'm hoping by getting back to writing here, I can begin to get some clarity on life and where I'm headed.

I recently celebrated the 7th Anniversary of the heart attack.  I still wonder how I survived it, but am very thankful I did and am still here to continue to tell my story and hold my girls and their families close while I can.  Something we should all be doing, regardless of the circumstances in our lives.

Thanks to those of you that have hung in there with me through it all!  You are more appreciated than you know.

Shattered Hearts and Healing Hearts

So much has happened since my last post.  My oldest daughter got married and now has a baby boy named Slade.  He's five months old and perfect.  They've moved to Texas and taken a position in a church there so I don't get to see them as much as I'd like since it's now a nine hour drive, at best.  I miss them and it's hard, but as long as they're walking in their calling, I can't complain.

My youngest daughter graduated High School and has just wrapped up her first year in College.  I'm quite proud as she finished with a 3.5 gpa, which was no easy task since this school is known for it's academics.  She's back home with me now, working full time for an Abstract Company.

Without a doubt, the most heart-breaking event to take place since my last post is my on-going divorce.  After 32 years of marriage, my stbx (soon-to-be-ex) has served me with divorce papers, found someone else, given her a ring and from what I understand, he's planning a life with her after our divorce is final.  So much for "in sickness and in health"...

For the last two and a half years, I've been living on my own and it's been a roller coaster.  Life as I knew it will never, ever be the same.  I've seen the darkest of dark days, however, still hopeful for the day I come out the other side of this, which everyone says will happen eventually.

Unfortunately, the most difficult part of it all is watching my youngest daughter suffer through such emotional distress.  Her sisters don't understand and why should they?  They're grown, have families and lives of their own.  They're not living this hell on a daily basis.  I want, so badly, for her to find support from friends, family and those going through the same emotions. 

It's just all been so heart-breaking.  So much I don't understand.  What's happening to the family unit in society today?  How do men find it so easy to walk away when things get hard?  Where's the love?

People call me strong.  I don't feel strong.

People see a smile when I'm shattered inside.

People see a bright future for me.  I can't see past today.

People can't begin to understand the rejection I feel.

People can't begin to understand this gut-wrenching pain.

People just don't understand so the support isn't there.

I'm on my own.

Hopefully, I can get back to blogging on a regular basis with more positive postings.  No promises, but I'll try.

Til next time...

Stephanie

Mending Hearts and Happy Hearts

March?  Seriously?  March was the last time I blogged anything???  Needless to say, so much has happened this year... the good, the bad and the ugly.  However, mostly, I just needed a break from the constant reminder of being 'sick' or not feeling well, like myself, etc.  The whole purpose I got into this was to help others deal with their (and their loved ones) health issues.  Little did I realize the toll it would begin to take on me and those around me.  My life is not an easy life to live, but all that has happened in the last six years has had somewhat of a slap-in-the-face effect in that I now see just how short life can really be so you'd better jump on board and start checking off those things on your bucket list!

Through it all, I must say that the hardest parts of the year for me are the holidays.  Another reminder of the challenges I face when it comes to decorating, shopping, cooking, hosting guests, etc.  I'm not who or what I used to be, but is that such a bad thing?  Sometimes it is, but that just goes to show how I absolutely have no choice but to renew my mind and change my focus.  I know... easier said than done.

Baby steps.

With all that said, I am so, so happy that the holidays are over and we can now resume our lives with some sense of normalcy.  Decorations are down, boxed up and ready to be put away.  That's H-U-G-E.  Maybe not to some, but to me it's such a load off!

There is so much more that's gone on in the last year... maybe I'll blog about it one day when the time is right.  Suffice it to say that there are many things up in the air right now and I'm hoping against hope that when they begin to come down, they don't come crashing down and shatter into a billion pieces!

On a very happy and exciting note our oldest daughter, Jessica, got engaged to her boyfriend while they were at a Hillsong Conference in New York.  I can only imagine how exciting that must have been?  She is so happy and looking so forward to getting married and starting a family and that makes this momma very happy, too!  So, the wedding planning has commenced and is in full force.  I'll continue to blog about the planning as it progresses.  By the way, we're down to four months until the wedding and counting!

I've been trying to post pictures from Christmas and my daughter's engagement for this post, but it keeps cancelling during the upload.  Sorry about that.  I'll keep trying and see if I can't get this little issue fixed for the next time.



'Til next time... and hopefully it won't be another nine months before the next post!

 

My Girls

Or I should call them 'My Heart' because they take up much of the space inside of it.

When I look at them, I am in complete awe because they are nothing like I was at that age.  I am so thankful for that.  They have it together.  They love and serve Jesus with their whole hearts.  They love and take such good care of me, especially when I'm sick.  I know I can always count on them for anything at anytime.

My girls are the best.

I love the young women they have become and I am as proud as the Lord will let me be.

 

My girls.  My heart.  My world-changers.  My lovlies.

Yep, I'm a proud and happy momma!

Hope Strong

                             

I remain hopeful that the new meds I am taking because I have suffered "severe heart failure" (as per my Cardiologist) will be kind to me.  Sometimes I don't feel very strong, especially when being reminded of where I'm at in life and fighting nausea in the middle of the night.

Are we having fun yet???

Basketball Thoughts

Basketball season (for my daughter's High School team) has reached its end.  I have mixed emotions about this.  Why?  Well, for one, watching these girls become more like family instead of just a team has touched my heart and made me so proud.  They've come to depend on one another, formed a bond and can truly just be themselves with each other.  I love that.  That's the way it should be.

When I think about the Seniors who will be moving on, I get emotional, but excited for their futures at the same time.  I get sad thinking about my own moving on when it's her turn.  But, for now, I will hang on to each moment she has left in her High School basketball career.

I get sad when I think about how much my own dad loved to come and watch his youngest granddaughter play for her school.  He looked forward to each game and would often call me the day of just to make sure the game was still on.  Most of the time he would be there before I could get there.  He would save me a seat.  We'd discuss how loud the music was, the various plays and how my girl would soon figure it all out.  He loved basketball and would have been amazed and so proud that she went from sitting out most of the game on the bench one year to starting Point Guard the next.  She worked hard for it and it showed.  I hate that he missed it, but take comfort in the fact that he knew she had it in her to accomplish just what she did.

The first game of this season was the hardest for me.  It had nothing at all to do with the game itself or that my daughter would be starting.  It was walking into that gym, looking up into the bleachers where 'his spot' was and him not being there.  It literally took my breath away and I nearly had to turn and leave from the heartache.  But then I remembered that he'd want me there for my girl.  Somehow, I know he knows, too.  He knows and sees her accomplishments.  He always knew she had it in her and that she would figure it all out eventually and she did.

Congrats on an amazing year, Lady Mustangs!  Here's to next year and the amazing accomplishments yet to come.