I often write about the frustrations, limitations and adaptations I am walking through right now due to health issues. "It sucks" frequently follows those words... sorry, but it just does.
First of all there are the physical scars... the main one running down the middle of my chest. I will never forget the first time I got up the courage to look at it in the mirror while still in the hospital. When I think back on that day, my stomach still knots up. This one took me a while to get past and I will admit there are days when it's at the forefront of my mind. Although, there are the other days when I really couldn't care less what anyone thinks... don't stare and try to pretend it's not there. Ask me about it if you want to know! As a matter of fact, a couple of months after I had surgery, I went to the grocery store without covering it and a young man happened to see it so he asked me about it. He then proceeded to tell me about his sister's open heart surgery. He was awesome! We ended up having the nicest visit. Wish everyone could be as comfortable with it as he was.
I've often thought about (and even checked into) reconstructive surgery, but then decided it probably wouldn't be worth it since trying to get it back to BS (before surgery) isn't realistic. Also, I can't count the number of people who have said, "Oh, don't you dare touch that scar... those are your battle scars, your testimony." Easy for them to say, but I know that, in a way, there is some truth in that statement. I have been through somewhat of a battle over the last few years. Unfortunately that battle still rages from time to time and guess what... it SUCKS!
In all honesty, I would rather not have these scars. I would love to live a life of never having to worry about exposing too much for fear that it might make some uneasy. Somedays I get tired of these scars dictating how my life will go. The constant reminder that I'm not the same and will never be the same as before. Somedays I know that's a good thing. Other days, it SUCKS! I guess you could say this is where the emotional part comes in to mess with my mind and I think I've figured out why... I believe it's all because this happened to me at such a young age and in all this chaos, nearly dying didn't help matters. Something about this whole season of my life has caused me to change many things about the way I now live my life. For the most part, I realize the importance of getting out of my comfort zone and experiencing new things and places. Some days it's easier than others. Those harder days are usually spent wondering how and why it is that I survived only to feel as though my quality of life has diminished in such a way that it's not only affected me, but those most important to me. I look for ways to keep my mind distracted, because I dread the day I come face to face with it and have to confront it head on. It won't be pretty.
As I press on in this race, hard as it is sometimes, I know that it's vitally important to be thankful in and for all things. I'd be lying if I said that wasn't a challenging area for me on those hard days. I'm human and I can only take so much while still maintaining my composure.
When I started this blog, I knew the one thing I had to convey was complete honesty as I wrote about the ups and downs of recovering after a heart attack/surgery. Well, here 'tis... the truth about how I see my scars. Is there a right or wrong way to view them? Who knows? We're all different and choose to deal with the issues of life in various ways. However, if you happen to figure it out, would you please let me know? I'd be forever grateful!
S.
Tonite, as I sit here writing this, I am having trouble breathing, my chest feels funny, my throat has been hurting like crazy and it feels like fluid is beginning to build up. It's in times like these the situation really sucks because I'm not sure whether or not to go to the ER or just wait it out. And I was having such a good day up until a few hours ago... frustration, yet, again.
Earlier today, I did a little computer work, met my best friend for lunch, ran with her to Wal Mart and then ran a few errands for her. Once done, I went back to her workplace to help set up for a party. Other than a slight head and neck ache, I felt pretty good. Now, this. What's up with the downturn all of a sudden?
According to the statistics, chances of my having another heart attack is larger than if I'd never had one to begin with. And, according to statistics, my survival rate isn't that great if I were to have one due to the amount of damage already done to my heart from the first go-round. I know that the truth and the facts are two very different things, but until you've walked in my shoes, you really haven't a clue as to this fight I'm in. Does tonite's episode affect my faith in God to get me through one way or another? No! He has very special plans for me and my life and they don't include sickness, pain or suffering. I wish I had an answer for why we go through the things we do, but the truth of the matter is that it really doesn't matter... at least not to me. It is what it is and God is who He is.
For now, that's all I'm able to write. Looks like I'll be sleeping in a sitting position tonite in order to breathe a little easier, which isn't a big deal. It's actually something I've, unfortunately, gotten used too.
One day, hopefully soon, I will no longer be walking this road and it is well with my soul.
S.
Throughout the summer, we've tried to take one grandchild at a time and spend a few days with just that one, doing fun things, giving special attention and just trying to give their mom somewhat of a break here and there. Recently, we had the pleasure of having 'Grand Number Four' here with us for a couple of days.
GNF is the fourth of five children. GNF is probably the toughest of all five, with good reason. GNF is as sweet and loving as she can be, but just don't get on her bad side or in the line of fire as she tends to throw things and has great aim! At the age of almost two, this little one has mastered the art of the female mood swing and I couldn't be prouder!
