I can remember praying one day that my life would matter and I could make some kind of difference some way, some how and the next day, waking up in the Critical Care Unit of our local hospital! Wha??? This is not what I prayed for... was it?
None of it makes sense. Still, to this day, none of it makes sense. The symptoms leading up to the actual episode NOW make sense... the tightness in my chest, the sore throat, the shortness of breath, the pain in my upper back. In fact, I pretty much always knew something wasn't quite right, but all of the tests done kept coming back with normal results. I think this is what was most frustrating for me (along with a few certain others) at the time. I know there are those who thought I had gone off the deep end or needed 'special' attention, making it all about me, etc. Looking back, it had gotten to the point of being a very desperate, lonely time for me. I guess you could say it was during this time and since then that I have learned to truly treasure friendships.
All that aside, this entire journey has been eye-opening for me, to say the least. Surprisingly, the one emotion that has raised it's ugly head over and over is anger. I'm angry, still. Maybe not to the same degree as in the beginning, but it's there none the less. What can I say? I'm human. My body turned on me. It let me down. I had stuff to do and then this happened. This introduction into that new normal that is so often talked about was not in the plan.
If I've heard it once, I've heard it a million times: "God will do whatever it takes to get your attention!" I believe I may have even said it a time or two, myself. Well, if that's the case, He's got it!!! But, what's the message?
You have my attention, God, now what?
You want me to what?!?!?
WAIT?!?!?
But, but, but... You know I have issues with this waiting thing. I'm not one to do waiting well, not that You didn't already know that.
That pretty much describes how my life and relationship with God has been over this last year. Hurry up and wait.
This one thing I can say out loud: I don't mind the waiting, now. It's in the waiting that I've found so much more than I could have ever imagined. Things. Deep things about myself and my God. Going through all of this was just the beginning of many changes in my life. Changes I knew needed to be made for quite some time, however, now everything seems to be falling into place. And when it doesn't? I know it's time to hurry up and wait some more.
I can't say that fretting isn't a thing of the past or that I don't ever start to feel my blood pressure rise if I begin to get hit from all sides with the issues of life, but I can say that those things just don't matter quite as much as before. It's all in the timing. His timing.
As I continue to count down the days until I board that plane to Key West, the things left undone want to flood my mind, bringing with it all the worry and frustration. However, I know that my God has it all under control and wants me to remember those much needed changes and what is required to see them come to pass. My reward comes the day I step off that plane and onto the sandy beaches of Florida and I can hardly stand the... ummm. Never mind.
Remember: Be careful what you pray for. You just might get it!
xoxoxo
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